Why do people lie?

[Enlightenment]

I'm so sorry that you're mom abuses you like that backpocket. But the best way to counter this entire life lie you are living is tell the truth to the authorities. Afterall, it is the 21st century! Then you won't have to lie.
I'll tell you the truth... I feel horrible after telling a lie. LOL! I sit there and go over in my mind WHY I lied. Then I try to correct it. If I don't ,I feel really crappy. Of course there's nobody threatening to beat me anymore but it wasn't always this way, and I think that's why I tolerate lies so much. I grew up living one!
Anyway, those people who were lying to me, I have since told to sod off. In the end, the only thing they did was lie. They did absolutely nothing that they promised they would do. But I got out of the deal and at least they aren't wasting my time any longer. Whether or not I hold on to my resentment towards them is another matter I have to deal with, and ultimately, totally my own responsibility.
E

[Jason S]

It seems that most of us have gravitated toward the "bigger" forms of lying in response to this question... but how about smaller lies? How about sarcasm? Silly pranks? How about lying to friends who want to have plans because you're on your way to their surprise party?

Lying does not always come from a place of fear. In fact, sometimes lying comes from a place of love... as any parent who has been faced with a sticky question from a child can attest to. (You should see some of the humdinger's in my 5 year-old's Wonder Book... if I answered them all for her now, she'd never sleep again, and probably neither would I.)

***

A few years ago, I told a coworker that delivering the same message to 100 people was not the same thing as making sure that 100 people hear the same message. I said that to do the latter, one needs to be prepared to deliver the message in 100 slightly different ways. He said that sounded disingenuous. I said it was the essence of political astuteness.

Which person is lying: the one who delivers a single message knowing that the message will be misinterpreted? The one who modifies the message to ensure a particular outcome? Both? Neither?

[evrgrn3]

This is a great discussion...I have a question for the people.

Do you think people can be basically patterned and consistent in their lying and then stop? Can a person be chronic in their dishonesty and then stop that behavior?

That leads to an additional question. If a person can stop, is lying a choice?

Does this basically mean that a person chooses to lie?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by evrgrn3

This is a great discussion...I have a question for the people.

Do you think people can be basically patterned and consistent in their lying and then stop? Can a person be chronic in their dishonesty and then stop that behavior?

That leads to an additional question. If a person can stop, is lying a choice?

Does this basically mean that a person chooses to lie?

Yes. It does.

[Enlightenment]

A few years ago I brought my children in to participate in a univerisity study on why children lie. Well, my eldest daughter who was 10 or so at the time, was to complete a questionaire with the most bizarre questions that had no correct answer whilst having the answers sitting right beside her. My daughter, although she was afraid of failing, never did look at the answers. At one point she got so frustrated that she started crying. Although the study bordered on child abuse, at least I know now that my daughter is honest.
My youngest daughter, who was 4 at the time, had a different experiment, and that was to not go look under a blanket that obviously had a dancing Elmo doll underneath. When she was left alone to play, she played for a minute, then kept looking over to the blanket with the Elmo underneath. Yes, she eventually went over to look under the blanket and discovered the Elmo. However, when asked later if she did, in fact, look under the blanket, my daughter admitted with a shy but sweet smile that she did. But I think it was because she was smart enough to realise that nothing bad would happen to her if she did admit to it. Therefore, this may be the key. If someone knows that they will be punished excessively, they may lie. If they know they won't be punished or know that life is fair and they can ACCEPT that they will probably get their just desserts when they are found out, then they will tell the truth....in the end. That's why you can't deal with a liar, because nothing is real, or at least their world is totally different than your world. Therefore, if you are counting on them, not much of anything will get done, because they'll be too busy trying to cover up their lies than actually doing any work.
I think much self study and perhaps therapy is the only way for a person who lies to turn their life around. As we've found from the above mentioned study, lies, or at least the tolerance of lies, are taught by the family of the children. The normal functioning of a family is paramount to how honest a child will turn out to be. This includes the parent's ability to accept responsibility, to teach the consequences of actions, and to discipline gently but reasonably.
You may say that calling someone a 'liar' is a bit harsh, but I believe that even if I lie, I become a 'liar' at that point. For how long I'm a liar is a different question. You become truthful if you tell the truth. So therefore, I suppose the best way to reverse becoming a liar is to own up to your lie. Not just to look good to others but to really be honest with yourself and the world, or the reality so to speak, that you live in.
In the end, it's all about confidence in oneself and confidence in the world. However, if the world is one of violence in Nazi occupied Europe, then your world is not real anymore and to lie to save a neighbour is totally justified. But existentially, saving a neighbour from certain death is based on the ultimate truth, isn't it?
E

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by evrgrn3

Do you think people can be basically patterned and consistent in their lying and then stop? Can a person be chronic in their dishonesty and then stop that behavior?

Yes. Well at least that was my case. I was lying, it was a pattern, consistent, and chronic. Then I got Angela's coaching, and this gave me the possibility to stop. (Even though the coaching was about something completely different, this was merely a side effect of it)

That leads to an additional question. If a person can stop, is lying a choice?

Does this basically mean that a person chooses to lie?

In my opinion, yes. Sometimes it's not a conscious choice. When I was doing it, it didn't feel like I had a choice at all. It just happened to me. The coaching gave me the choice, enabled me to choose consciously. Given the choice, I prefer not to lie. So I think for some people some internal work may be necessary before they can see it as a choice and stop. Still, in my opinion it is a choice, conscious or subconscious, like just everything else we do or feel. The point is to make the choice conscious.

[LifeFirst]

I rarely lie to people.....I don't see what the point of it is. The thing is, if the truth might offend someone, I'll either not say it, or say it in a way that's encouraging and least offensive as possible.


For example, some of my friends want to hang out with me sometimes. And there times I don't feel like going out or meeting them or whatever. I'm not going to make up a lie and say "I'm busy" or "I'm doing homework" when I'm not. I will just tell them simply I don't wanna go, I don't feel like going, not in mood for it.

i try to let them know how I feel as much as I can without offending them. Even if you ask me something personal, I'll answer most of the time with no problem.

[ArchaG]

It is beyond me to understand why most people insist on confining deception to that dark little label of "defense mechanism". I do understand and agree that most people react with lies to avoid the consequences of telling the truth, but that is like thinking that raising ones voice in a conversation can only be used to illustrate hostility.

Lying is a versatile and powerful means of expression. Selfish avoidance techniques are only one way to use such a potent device. Lying has the power to alter a person's perception of reality, and we see this all the time in forms such as entertainment (illusionists, reality TV) and we see it in art.

I believe deception is a form of art. It is amazing to break frames of perception and to challenge beliefs and routines. It also allows one to quickly solve problems caused by antiquated or simply unsuitable "education" by allowing another comprehend something outside of his/her scope of understanding (e.g. contrasting).

I also believe that most people are completely incapable of supporting anything more than a simple white lie. After all, you are basically the sole caretaker of a small, incongruent fabricated reality inside of ours, and if you can't keep that little slice of heaven from contradicting itself in the face of the "greater truth", you'll just look like an ass.

Few people truly understand how difficult it is to maintain a well crafted, self serving deception. Even fewer can maintain it long enough to see the payoffs, and then find a way to assimilate the lie into reality before they are "caught".

In my mind, lying is a powerful discipline that provokes fear because of its skill and self-control/awareness requisites. Naturally, such a thing would be derided as "wrong" or "evil" by most because it represents an unfair advantage over others as well as a power tool to break spells of conditioning.

Such a force capable inspiring so many questions and challenging so many of our beliefs is surely immoral and with that, I can understand why so many would never consider themselves to be liars. I however, am proud and unashamed.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Two reasons: fear of losing something and fear of not gaining and getting something.

[Sam988]

Originally Posted by Enlightenment

I know this question is asked every time one finds out, without a shadow of a doubt, that someone has outright lied.
Have you ever asked somebody if they got your email and they replied that they didn't, even though you know they did bcause you have an email server, like at a university, where the email comes back marked as 'read'.
I'm not trying to be cynical here. I'm genuinely wondering why people lie? I'm not saying I never lie either. However, I could never lie about not receiving someone's email or not receiving a package when I actually did recieve it.
In addtion, can one expect to have a truthful and honest relationship with someone who lies over such minor things?
What do you think and what is your way of handling this situation?
E

There are many reasons for lying; lying convincingly is a great skill to have and develop.

Let's look at the benefits. In social situations, with acquantenances (people you don't know very well), learning how to lie convincingly is invaluable. Giving convincing compliments, while in your head thinking "you're so retarded" or something like that, is a great skill to have.

Or when someone asks you to go somewhere or meet the person, instead of saying that you don't want to go because you think they're boring, when you are skillful at lying you can instantly think of excuses like "ah i have to go to X at this time", etc...



There are obviously many more situations where lying is a skill proves itself to be of utter significance, i'm sure you can think of more real life situations.


Lying makes life more convenient to the one lying. That's what it's all about.

[lasti]

I try to avoid lying but I try to avoid telling the truth either. That sometimes makes it hard to say anything...

But I agree with Sam that there are situations where lying is almost necessary if you don't want to hurt people or appear as rude.

[prats]

my co-worker lying to me..I with lot of effort did a task,it took me 16 hours to complete that task. My manager asked us both did you figure out? I said yes and she also said yes. I was surprised and asked her how she approached to her problem and asked her to show her approach,and I was ready to show mine..she told that she got some issues in execution and deleted that peice of work...which is a blatant lie.. how can she claim stuff that she dint even complete and how can she delete ?

I often caught her lying to me many a times.I spent a lot of time pondering why would she lie.the most puzzling question is more than her its about me ?how should I handle it ?

Until I come to a conclusion I gave a temporary pause and kept the conversation between us to a minimum...

I want to tell my manager that she is lying about stuff ,but I cant and dont feel good as it may effect how he will percieve my opinion.But I feel it as a burden which I want to offload from my shoulders..I daily crib about this to my husband....

If it were you what would you do ?

[outdoorsnewzealand]

Originally Posted by Enlightenment

To DanL; Advantageous to whom? We all know it is wrong to lie. Every major religion in this world teaches not to lie. Therefore, it cannot, in the long run, be advantageous to lie.

Dan commented that "They see it as advantageous". I agree with this statement, in the moment that someone lies they think it will be of benefit to them or someone else. There is nothing in the statement that says "in the long run it his advantageous to lie". If people were constantly aware of the bigger picture and really took into account the potential harm that a lie could cause they would probably lie a lot less frequently.

[Elixir]

People lie because it profits them or is a means of escape.

[Michael Chui]

"On the other hand, we denounce with righteous indignation and dislike men who are so beguiled and demoralized by the charms of pleasure of the moment, so blinded by desire, that they cannot foresee the pain and trouble that are bound to ensue; and equal blame belongs to those who fail in their duty through weakness of will, which is the same as saying through shrinking from toil and pain. These cases are perfectly simple and easy to distinguish. In a free hour, when our power of choice is untrammelled and when nothing prevents our being able to do what we like best, every pleasure is to be welcomed and every pain avoided. But in certain circumstances and owing to the claims of duty or the obligations of business it will frequently occur that pleasures have to be repudiated and annoyances accepted. The wise man therefore always holds in these matters to this principle of selection: he rejects pleasures to secure other greater pleasures, or else he endures pains to avoid worse pains."

-- Cicero.

[ScreamingDaisy]

I definitely have a problem with lying. I fessed up to everything about a week ago to my boyfriend. I feel it's time for me to change. I know I've pushed people away and created a big mess with my lies. I'm just grateful he understood and was willing to forgive me. I felt that my love wouldn't be true as a liar, and I wouldn't be as genuine a person to other people. I haven't told a single lie in a week, which is huge for me... so I'm going to try and keep it up to make honesty a permanent lifestyle. It will also help now that I just started college, so I'll be meeting new people and making new friends.

Anyway, I lied about everything big and small to EVERYONE. When I started doing it I felt guilty. I did it to create some spontaneity in my life, which seemed dull. Some of my lies were serious and some were not, but all of them were manipulative in some way. I was changing what other people thought or did. I even lied about having a severe peanut allergy, so much that I got a prescription for an epipen and carried it around and avoided peanuts like the plague for years. As you can imagine my boyfriend was so surprised I had been lying that I had to eat a jar of peanut butter in front of him to prove it!

I never hurt anyone's feelings, but I guess I was also not having genuine friendships/relationships because I was deceitful. When I look back on the things I lied about or the stories I created, I think it was more of a release. I did try to manipulate people, but that didn't create as great a sensation as the rush of lying... I liked to feel the adrenaline and the risk of them finding out the truth. I think it was a release of my creative energy too. I'm a painter and musician, so it came naturally to feel so overwhelmed that I had to create something... which were lies.

In the end lying never helped me long-term. I want to try and focus on releasing that creativity in my art and music. It's gonna be rough, but I'm willing to be honest with myself and everyone else now.