Undoing a Botched Joke

[JPX]

Hi all,

I have a little issue I need some advise with. I recently returned to the company I worked for from January 2003 to October 2006. I left for about six months to launch my own business, but that didn't work out too well, so long story short --- after getting an offer to return, I did.

Upon my return to the company a few weeks ago, my first task was to find office space for our new branches in Nevada and California. I found a great place in California, my boss came to see it, he loved it, and told me to work out a deal with the realtor for a long term lease.

I worked out the deal with the realtor, and on Friday I met with the owner of the place to go over some final stipulations on the lease. We met at a Mexican restaurant located at the same shopping center where our office space would be at. During the meeting the owner of the restaurant came to our table to say hello to the owner of the shopping center. The landlord introduced us, we exchanged pleasantries, talked about doing business in the area, etc.

The landlord (or landlady) made it a point to let me know what a great place this was, because Mr. Velez (the owner of the restaurant) had been at that same location for 27 years.

Towards the end of the meeting one of the waitresses came over and told the landlady that the owner of the Mexican restaurant wanted to see her before she left. She asked what for, but the waitress obviously didn't know, so I decided to tell a joke that was in very bad taste.

I told the owner of the shopping center that the owner of the restaurant was being deported and he was moving out. And then I made it worse by saying "can we have this space?"

She gave me a dirty look and said "how dare you say that", and went to speak to the owner of the restaurant. She then walked out through the back door I guess, because she never returned to the table. After sitting there for about 15 minutes the waitress came to ask if I wanted anything else, and I said I was waiting for the landlady, and that's when the waitress told me that she had left already.

I left a big, fat tip on the table because I knew I had screwed up big time with that stupid comment, although I knew my $12 tip for two coffees wasn't going to help much.

I tried calling the owner of the shopping center later that afternoon but she didn't answer, then this morning I got an email from the realtor saying that the office space was "no longer available". Ooops.

Now, this won't be too big of a problem with my boss, because we can always find other suitable office space. My problem is with the owner of the shopping center and the owner of the restaurant. How do I prove to them that I was only joking and that I am not a racist or anything like that?

Even though I really won't have to deal with them anymore, I will be living and doing business in this community, and I hate that two very important local business people already have a very negative perception of me.

I guess the reason I made the comment was because as I was driving to the meeting I was listening to talk radio and they were discussing illegal immigration, but obviously this gentleman is a very successful businessman and I'm sure a U.S. citizen by now, so I know he's not getting deported. It was only a joke.

Anyway....my question is what's the best way to deliver a heartfelt apology in a case like this. I know I can't take the comment back, but I'm sure there has to be a way to make things better.

Thank you for any advise you can provide.

[Shamou]

I would send a bouquet of twelve roses with a sincere letter of apology...

And, don't feel too bad... most of us have been down that road...

Best of luck to you...

.

[InJoy]

I'm not sure where you are from, but I can tell you that immigration issues are a sore point in the south (especially southwest) part of the U.S. Lots of people, from both sides of the border, have been personally affected in quite devastating ways, and that's probably why your joke was taken so poorly.

I think Shamou's idea is an excellent one. I would expand upon it by sending roses to both the owner of the restaurant and the landlord. To the restaurant owner, I would simply include a card thanking him for his wonderful hospitality. You probably don't want to assume what was or was not said to him about your comment. I would also send a heartfelt, hand-written letter to the landlord apologizing for your words, with no excuses. Make it clear that you do not want anything else from her, but that you are simply and truly sorry for what you said.

If you send this all out with good intent, I believe this is where you'll have to let it go and trust that you've done what you could to make things right.

Best wishes, and remember that everyone makes mistakes. But not everyone attempts to atone for them. I think it's really terrific that you care to try.

[Caveman Joe]

Y'know that sucking, hissing sound that mechanics do through their teeth when you ask them how long the work will take? Yeah. I just made that sound, and wish there were an equivalent spelling (or even an emoticon) for it.
Ouch, my good man, ouch indeed.
Still, stuff like this happens to the best of us now and again, and you've learned your lesson now. Focus on damage control - Shamou and Injoy both have raised good points, and I think it's worth following their advice. I'm just going to add emphasis to not holding anything back - don't try to save face, you've already lost it. Just be totally honest, and maybe tell the story in your covering letter as you've told it to us here today. We know you're not a bad man or a dirty racist, because of the way you wrote your post - maybe if they saw it, they'd see the same thing.

PS - in future, if you absolutely have to tell a possibly controversial joke, I like this one:

Q) What do you call a [insert ethnic minority here] flying a plane?
A) A pilot, you bloody racist! Jesus!

I love that joke. (although I suspect that at least some of the laughs come from relief that you're not actually going to tell a racist joke...)

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Caveman Joe

Q) What do you call a [insert ethnic minority here] flying a plane?
A) A pilot, you bloody racist! Jesus!

Gawd that's funny...

Good joke and good advice Joe...

.

[febflake]

Hum. Hi. Er. I don't like to be the one bringing bad vibes but.. you are a racist. And that's what you have to work out if you want to feel better.

You are telling a racist/ethnic joke but it's not harmless because it's merely fun? You put yourself above intellectual considerations by saying "it's just for fun, geez, can't you get it?". What does that lead you too? Would you tell this joke to a complete mexican/spanish stranger the same way and expect him to understand the sense of irony you put in it? The problem with this kind of irony (I had friends who used to call each other 'ugly jew' when playing fps games) is when it becomes an habit and you are not in the 'we-know-we-are-not-we-are-just-being-extreme-for-the-fun-of-it, it's-second-degree-etc' anymore. Hence the situation you provoked in the restaurant.

'It was not intentional', 'Got carried away', etc. And that's the problem, you are not aware anymore of your values, of your language, of who you are.

Sure you can patch things up. But you aren't going to convince anyone that you are not a racist if all you come up with is "it was just for fun". Moreover, from your account of the events.. would you have tried to contact these people if you knew you were never to go back in that place?

Admit it then change your behaviour and thinking. Just don't tell racist jokes anymore People who are not racist don't.

Sorry if I look a bit rash but I totally disagree with the point of view being adopted in the topic. Good luck to you and courage though! It's great to recognise such a trait and act to change it.

[JPX]

Febflake,

You're absolutely right. I didn't consider myself a racist, but the fact that those words came out of my mouth put me in the same category as Mel Gibson and Don Imus (but without the fame and fortune).

You asked if I would have tried to contact those people if I knew I was never going back to that place? I think the answer is "yes". I'm not sure how hard I would have tried, but I would have definitely apologized.

After I told my boss we had to look for another place because "things didn't go well at the meeting", he pressed me into telling him what really happened, and I did. Considering he is Puerto Rican, I knew what was coming. He gave me a pep talk about how, even though he was born an American citizen, he still gets discriminated in some places when he's not dressed in a suit and tie.

And yesterday he called the owner of the shopping center and setup an appointment for me to meet her and the owner of the restaurant today at 3:00 pm so I can apologize in person.

Initially I wasn't very happy with that plan, and being the coward that I am, I'm not really looking forward to it, but considering I was doing company business at the time, it's the least I can do for the company, and especially for those good folks who were being extremely friendly to me before I opened my big mouth.

Seeing them face to face is probably what I need to really help me understand the consequences of my words. Even though I did mean them as a joke, there was nothing funny about it. My sarcasm has always gotten me in trouble with people, but this time I crossed the line.

And I have been blaming it on the radio talk show I was listening to before the meeting, but looking back, I was actually laughing at their Mexican jokes also, so that is not a very good defense.

So do I really have something against Mexicans?

The easy answer is "no", but this experience has made me look back into my past also. In college I dated a Mexican girl for almost two years, and I remember threatening her with deportation every change I got, even though she was an American citizen also.

And what really hit me now is that I hated visiting her family and attending their fiestas. I blamed it on the 90 minute drive to her family's ranch, but the reality is that I always felt superior to them, and even though I have grown as a human being since then, I obviously have some more growing up to do and some other issues to work out.

As recently as three weeks ago I was living in Sunland Park, New Mexico...which is actually a suburb of El Paso, Texas and Ciudad Juarez, Mexico --- and the whole time I was there I would always talk about how much I loved Mexican women and how great they looked, but I never even tried to befriend a hispanic man unless I was trying to do business with them.

Tonight I will post about the results of the meeting and the lessons learned. And perhaps I should look up Cristina (my ex girlfriend in college) and apologize to her and her family also. That may sound extreme, but right now I feel like quite the dirt bag.

[InJoy]

There are few things more beautiful and inspiring to me than evidence of growth in action. Thanks for keeping us up to date, JPX.

[Tuumble]

I hope it goes well for you.

We've all made errors in social situations and some are easier to overcome than others but the important thing to remember is that you have learned a valuable lesson.

Do you think a similar situation will arise again? Seems unlikely judging by your comments above and you never know, the chance to speak to the people concerned could forge a stronger long term relationship.

If you act with complete honesty and integrity during this meeting a fuller understanding of both sides philosophies will be garnered. To apologise face-to-face takes guts and can earn respect.

While undoubtedly uncomfortable at the time the effects of this meeting can only be positive - a chance to grow.

[Uplift]

Yeh, of course you should see them face to face. Thats what good people do. Thats respect. Just keep in mind your reason for being there. If you are sincere and honest it will come across. Thats all you can do, your best with what you have. You will truly know whether you have done your utmost to aplogise, and own your actions. As for the outcome, if it isn't exactly what you want, you have to respect, and accept their choice, and respect yourself for giving your all. Just before the meeting, I would go to the toilet and spend 10 minutes visualising myself and the people in light, in pure goodness, and let that pureness saturate the whole situation. I would see the pure goodness pouring out of me as soon as I opened my mouth, and heard my own voice, and see it filling the room, and see the joy on their faces as it filled them. Good luck, and congratulations for learning. Your boss sounds like a great guy.

[JPX]

Well, the meeting went better than I thought. The restaurant owner was very kind. He said he was not offended by my comment because he hears worse things almost on a daily basis, and gave me some examples of how customers treat his employees. Pretty sad stuff. He also explained the process of deportation and what people go through, which I can only imagine must be something extremely difficult for anyone.

The owner of the shopping center was not as understanding. She was still visibly upset, and said that after speaking to my boss on the phone she was thinking about letting us have the place, but I told her it would probably be best if we went somewhere else, since I would be the one working there and I don't want this incident hanging over me for years to come.

The restaurant owner seems to have forgiven and forgotten, but not this lady. I had figured it would've been the other way around, but that just shows how little I know about people.

It has been a very emotional few days for me and I can honestly say I have learned a very valuable lesson. I see the whole immigration issue in a whole different light now. Before I didn't pay much attention to it, but now I see the human aspect of it.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I am truly humbled.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by febflake

Hum. Hi. Er. I don't like to be the one bringing bad vibes but.. you are a racist. And that's what you have to work out if you want to feel better.

I think it would be good if someone would climb down from his high horse....

Show me someone who has never "open mouth and stuck foot in" and I'll show you a mute...

JPX made a faux pas... (if you don't know what that means... look it up in MW) and he seems genuinely sorry that he did it... so, your "sermon" was truly out of place... I did not appreciate it... and I am certain that JPX did not either...

.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by JPX

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I am truly humbled.

You are obviously a person of high integrity... my hat goes off to you...

.

[Kamma]

I am impressed by your actions. You have been very brave to be so honest and open about your thoughts and feelings. I cannot judge you as I am not in any place to judge anyone. I just wanted to say that even though you made the initial mistake you have done well to apologise and take actions to show your apologies.