Becoming More Assertive And Thick-Skinned

[Elenny]

I took over my father's failing business about 18 months ago. My new ideas were implemented and things turned around for about a year, but the past six months we have been hit hard by the economy, just like everyone else.

The rapid decline in revenue led us to take a closer look at the job that everyone was doing, mainly to see how we could get people to be more productive.

We found major discrepancies with two employees. They were both sent on early holiday vacation December 12, and were informed that they would get paid until December 31, but they would not return in January.

• Case # 1 - An administrative assistant who unapoligetically spent all day surfing the net. She received monthly written warnings in September, November, and December. Her behavior would change for a few days, but then she would return to her YouTube ways.

• Case # 2 - A salesman who pretty much refused to accept that I was in charge and hasn't done much work since I took over the day-to-day operations. Actually, he hasn't done much work for about 7 years. Looking back at his sales records, we found that he was meeting his sales goals an average of just 3 months each year since 2001.

But he was my father's best friend for many years, so Dad never fired him. However, I had many things well-documented, and finally got the courage to let him go, since he was just a cancer in the operation.

Everyone else came back to work on January 5. Since then, the young AA (a 19 year old girl) has come to see me several times begging for her job back. On Thursday I gave in and offered her a part-time job as my personal assistant (even though I really don't need one).

Then today I got a threatening letter from the dismissed salesman, asking for a year's severance pay, or he will sue ME for wrongful termination and age discrimination (he's 71).

Even though I was right to dismiss these two people, I gave in to the young girl's requests and gave her a job again, and getting the letter from this other person put me in a very somber mood today.

And what is my problem? I don't like people to be mad at me. I have always felt terrible when someone is upset at me for whatever reason, and then I become incredibly generous to make things better.

And it's not just with these two specific employees. These were the extreme cases, but I try to avoid conflict with everyone I come in contact with, and then I get mad at myself for not having the willpower to speak up and take charge.

So my question is, is that something you (or I) can change? Can I become more assertive / thick-skinned overnight and just tell everyone that it's my way or the highway? Is there a special blog I can read or a magic pill I can take?

I know if I continue allowing people to walk all over me, we're not going to be in business for long. And now more than ever, I need to make some very good strategic moves in order to keep my father's company afloat. I would hate to be the one that drives it into bankruptcy just because I was afraid a couple of employees might get upset at me.

But then again, I also don't want to be the bitchy boss who everyone hates.

[RT Wolf]

Hah. I think you need to read the front page of this blog again. The bit about personal development being hard work. I dunno how you even got in through the front door to here without reading that. Perhaps you need to reevaluate whether you fit in the "personal development for smart people" bit, too.

(Some practice for you :P I hope it wasn't too mean)

Seriously though, you seem to have coloured your options very black and white. It's either everything thinks you're a bitchy boss or no one does. You can be seen as an assertive manager to some people. There's many options there.

You can also look at it this way: Even though these people are talking at you and they appear to be talking about you, they're really reacting to their mental model of who you really are, of which they've only seen a small part. We all do that, we react to our models/maps of how things are. But as NLP folks will tell you, the map and terrain are two completely different things. In fact, in their minds you (a massively complicated human being) has been compressed into "the woman who fired me". They don't even care about you, you just happen to be there. If there had been someone else there who'd done that, they'd react the same way. So, for me, recognizing that people are often just reacting to their ideas and perceptions and not me-me personally has helped me to let go of what they think.

Another thing, completely and totally accept that you will piss off some people. It's absolutely inevitable. Again, this will have almost nothing to do with you and almost everything to do with the other person. You're reacting to criticism in a specific way, based on what you think it means. Here it sounds like it means, "x doesn't like me very much. They hate me. Does that mean I'm not likable in general, cause they don't like me? Maybe I'm not just not a very likable person." And it doesn't have to mean any of that stuff, it just means that this person is angry that you're not giving them what they've gotten used to. I'd say they're not taking responsibility for their life. They haven't gone, "yea, you know, she's right. My performance has been crap. Maybe I can fix it and maybe even get this job back" but instead they choose to react with anger and just blame you. Are you going to take responsibility for their unwillingness to take responsibility?

I was once chewed out for being too happy. http://www.mind-manual.com/blog/inde...ything-you-do/

BTW, I dunno what you business is, but have you considered reading 4-Hour Workweek? It talks quite a bit about outsourcing and "eliminating" employees. Dan Kennedy's work is also pretty high impact. I was just reading Scott Allen over at about.com today and he said that unless you've got a lot of employees and can attract and afford really good managers, employees are usually massive headaches. I also found Instant Income to be somewhat helpful.

In the short term, either find someone who can dish out bad news or find/invent some sort of higher authority that you are deferring to (board of directors, father, etc). This may make it easier for you to tell epople off by saying it's someone else's wishes and you're just the messenger.

[Lauxa]

I don't know how to solve your problem, but I thought you might enjoy this story:
Violent Acres » Blog Archive » How Children Cope With Failure

[bellbird]

Hi
I suggest that you accept that it's lonely at the top. I think if you make the right decidions for the company and behave in an ethical manner staff will come to respect your choices even when they do not understand it at the time. The 71 year old is obviously tiffed that he's ditched. He prob didn't expect you had the balls. You do. Stick to your guns. You have every right and you KNOW it's what you have to do. Don't backpeddle ever. The girl also is not helping. Do not work with people you don't trust.

There's no magic pill but the great news is that you have conjured up these situations in your life to learn from them. (That's a way of viewing it, google the Secret).
I wish you well and honestly, you know what you're doing but as you said are worried how others will respond. The truth is it doesn't matter, you are the boss, you know and it's really about confidence. This you will gain from experience. Looks like you're doing great so find a mentor and stick with your intentions. Look to yourself for pats on the back, not anyone else. Good luck.

[RT Wolf]

You might want to read books by Ayn Rand. I don't agree with a lot of what she says, but you may find somev alue in her value-for-money approach.

Money is a form of value, just one that can be traded for many, many other kinds of value in an easy manner. These people seem to be wanting you to give them money without giving corresponding value back for it. As Steve might say, they're asking you to enter into an abusive relationship with them. Or a charitable one. But as I understand it, you're running a business, not a charity.

[lifetimelearner]

all I can say is that I would not want to be in your shoes

now you can say :thanks a lot why the heck is she replying to this


I am replying because I lack the assertiveness gene too

but it sounds like you have a great trait in my eyes-compassion

after all my years of reading, learning and researching I have finally come to the conclusion that it's just a weakness and I can improve it somewhat but I will never be like other people




does your company have a set of guidelines/expectations for each job in the company
one that you could give each person
and say - 'hey this is what is expected of you or else you might want to find another company to work for '



do you really want this job ?
or would you want to hire someone to
do the assertiveness for you

[WordKeeper]

And what is my problem? I don't like people to be mad at me. I have always felt terrible when someone is upset at me for whatever reason, and then I become incredibly generous to make things better.

And it's not just with these two specific employees. These were the extreme cases, but I try to avoid conflict with everyone I come in contact with, and then I get mad at myself for not having the willpower to speak up and take charge.

I ran into a similar problem when I was running a small business in that I felt that I was either viewed as a ♥♥♥♥♥ or a doormat. But you can certainly overcome that. When my business failed (after funding dried up following 9-11) I had a number of issues that I had to face. As I made progress I learned that my black/white view and my feeling bad when people were upset with me came from some early childhood issues. It took me sometime and work to get to the source but I have finally gotten to a point where I see when I am being manipulated and know why it yanks my chain and know that my decision is correct even if it doesn't "feel" right.

Your "new" AA did NOT care about YOU when she was given warnings in Sept., Nov, and Dec. You have a business to run. There are other employees who are doing a good job (I assume) and their livelihood depends on your business succeeding. Is it fair for you to jeopardize their jobs by cottling this person who wants a handout for little to nothing in return? I don't mean that in the harsh way that it came out but what I mean is if you cannot let people go and keep them out for your own sake or the sake of the business then surely you can let her go and keep the older man out for the sake of those who work hard and need and deserve their job. Your obligation lies with them not with people who have gotten by.

I suspect the older gentleman feels entitled to his job since he has been allowed to do nothing for a paycheck for so long. Something for nothing engenders feelings of "entitlement."

You can do this. You just need to shift your perspective away from yourself. For some reasons (scratch the surface of your mother or your father's attitudes toward you as a child) you do not feel that you deserve authority. You do. The business is yours.

Claim your authority as an obligation to your other employees and then spend some inner exploration to findout why you don't feel like you deserve it.

I know you can do it. Do you believe you can?