Should I get the State involved in Child Support Collection?

[Honeywith4bees]

I have been separated/divorced from the Father of my children for about five years now. At the time of our separation order, it was determined that my ex husband should pay me a certain amount of money each month towards the financial support of our children who primarily reside with me. We decided at that time not to involve the DOR in our lives in the payment/collection of that child support.

In the past five years, I have maintained records of what is owed and what payments have been made. During our marriage, my children's father was working full time and earning about $1000. per week. About two years before we divorced, he started having more and more drug problems that interfered with his ability to get and hold down jobs. Since that time, he has decided that his life is more fulfilling when he doesn't work at paying jobs at all. He wants to have copious amounts of free time and time to do various volunteer things that make him feel good. He has been in trouble with the law a few times and still struggles with a drug addiction.

Every week it's up to me to ask if he has any child support money. He is now just about ten thousand dollars in arrears.

I'm tired of being the keeper of records. I'm tired of bearing all the financial responsibilities and I'm tired of all the victim/martyr feelings that I carry around related to me not allowing him to take full financial responsibility for his children. I'm contemplating filing with the DOR, but do I really want the State involved in my life?

Any one have any experience with this?

[Jennihul]

Do you want him in prison? I know some moms who would rather have their ex in prison than be stiffed on child support. They can't earn anything in prison though. And it affects your kid's self-image to grow up with a dad in prison.

Let that be your guide.

However, it's important that someone KNOWS you are being stiffed.

But more importantly, if it were me and seemed as futile as your situation seemed, I would pull out some LOA, forgiveness and gratitude and figure out a way to live excellently without his help at all. Because nothing is worth allowing yourself to be robbed of the joy you should be feeling every second of the day. Nor your kids.

Jennifer

[Ree]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

But more importantly, if it were me and seemed as futile as your situation seemed, I would pull out some LOA, forgiveness and gratitude and figure out a way to live excellently without his help at all. Because nothing is worth allowing yourself to be robbed of the joy you should be feeling every second of the day. Nor your kids.

Jennifer

I think this is excellent advice... if you can support your children on your own and if they are not being deprived and not living without necessities.

However, if I were in your shoes and I could not adequately support my children to the point, let's say, that I couldn't afford to buy new shoes for them or a coat when one needs it, or money for a field trip at school, I would go after their father for his share of the support. I couldn't watch my children going without while their father sat on his lazy a$$.

[JorgeHTQH]

Hi there, sorry to hear about your situation. If he has a drug problem then most likely he couldn't hold down a job if he had one.

A true father is one who provides for his children and does whatever he can for them. If he hasn't given you any money for some time now then he should not consider himself their father and should lose his privaledge to see them, that's if he see's them at all.

Involving the state may be the right thing to do but you have to first talk to him and explain the situation to him and let him know that if he doesn't start doing something very soon then you will involve the state but for now maybe you can either limit his visits with the children or cancel them completely. Of course that's up to you. He has to earn his right to see them by providing for them. But if you want to get the state involvde as an act of revenge then don't do it. He will eventually pay for his errors one way or another. Good luck.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

Do you want him in prison? I know some moms who would rather have their ex in prison than be stiffed on child support. They can't earn anything in prison though. And it affects your kid's self-image to grow up with a dad in prison.

No, I don't want him in jail, and I'm fairly sure thats what will end up happening. I feel like I am allowing, and even encouraging his lack of responsibility by not reporting it.

Originally Posted by Jennihul

However, it's important that someone KNOWS you are being stiffed.

Not sure how to do this without him getting into legal trouble.

Originally Posted by Jennihul

But more importantly, if it were me and seemed as futile as your situation seemed, I would pull out some LOA, forgiveness and gratitude and figure out a way to live excellently without his help at all. Because nothing is worth allowing yourself to be robbed of the joy you should be feeling every second of the day. Nor your kids.

Jennifer

Good piece of advice Jennifer, thanks!

Originally Posted by Ree

However, if I were in your shoes and I could not adequately support my children to the point, let's say, that I couldn't afford to buy new shoes for them or a coat when one needs it, or money for a field trip at school, I would go after their father for his share of the support. I couldn't watch my children going without while their father sat on his lazy a$$.

I think my kids suffer because I have to work so much to support them, that we get very little time together that isn't stressed.

Originally Posted by JorgeHTQH

Hi there, sorry to hear about your situation. If he has a drug problem then most likely he couldn't hold down a job if he had one.

A true father is one who provides for his children and does whatever he can for them. If he hasn't given you any money for some time now then he should not consider himself their father and should lose his privaledge to see them, that's if he see's them at all.

We share legal custody of the children, although I have primary physical custody, so I don't believe I have any rights to deprive him of his rights to see the kids, and he does see the younger two twice a week.

Originally Posted by JorgeHTQH

He will eventually pay for his errors one way or another. Good luck.

I think you're right about that, but it doesn't help pay the food bill!!

I looked on the DOR website today, and one of the things that I noticed was that once you sign over your case to them, you lose your rights to ask them to stop the process. It says something to the effect of, "the payee has to go along with whatever course of action the State deems appropriate, whether the payee agrees to the action or not". It also says that they will not assume responsibility for any legal fees incurred.


I don't want revenge, but I do want justice and equality. Maybe thats just not possible in a divorce situation.

[Jennihul]

Have you spoken to him about this in the same sense that you are talking to us?

Or just say "I need help with the children.." and rather than expect regular payments, ask him for specific amounts at key times.

Jennifer