I'm a sheep

[Rose of Cairo]

Last week I attended a workshop about being self-employed and starting a business. It was interesting, I learned a lot, and today I had an appointment with the teacher, a coach, to discuss my situation. He was horrified....

He said that I'm legally and financially getting scr*wd in the arrangement I have with my bf, I mean my ex, about the appt we share. And regarding taxes even more. He can't understand that I blindly trust people and that I consciously stay in a financially disadvantageous situation because of some moral considerations. He called me a SHEEP and said he doesn't know if he should laugh or cry at my greenness.

Uuuhh... *blush* *shame* mah-ah-ah...

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Last week I attended a workshop about being self-employed and starting a business. It was interesting, I learned a lot, and today I had an appointment with the teacher, a coach, to discuss my situation. He was horrified....

He said that I'm legally and financially getting scr*wd in the arrangement I have with my bf, I mean my ex, about the appt we share. And regarding taxes even more. He can't understand that I blindly trust people and that I consciously stay in a financially disadvantageous situation because of some moral considerations. He called me a SHEEP and said he doesn't know if he should laugh or cry at my greenness.

Uuuhh... *blush* *shame* mah-ah-ah...

You handle that very well. I recently...I have a situation and...in my whole life, I haven't been called "naive" as much as I have just in the past couple months, each time by a new person, none of whom know each other. After about the 100th time, I began to feel bad about it and stupid for being so trusting. They told me I'm too trusting and naive and over and over that I have to be mistrustful of people because they are taking advantage of me. They say these things to me as if it's a bad thing to be trusting and as if I'm the one in the wrong, for being stupid or something and I must know better.

To be fair, for what its worth, men have also been attracted to me, they have said, because I have a sincere and honest appearance. Not much of a plus, since they are the opposite of sincere and honest.

In secret, I guess I'm proud of my "naivety" and I don't want to be like them.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

I have to be mistrustful of people because they are taking advantage of me.

I strongly disagree with that. Being mistrustful is believing in a self-fulfilling prophecy, as you'll be constantly sending out signals to everyone that say: "I expect you to betray me". Sooner or later, someone will come by and say: "consider it done!". In a very real sense, you'll get exactly what you ask for.

So I'd rather be sending out a firm "I expect that I can trust you." And I don't consider that to be naive.

[Angela]

As Jim suggests, being naive and being trusting are not the same thing.

Being naive, or being a sheep, means not trusting yourself -- not trusting your own instincts, your own intuition, your own choices, and so relying other the instincts, intuition, and choices of other people. If you are not trusting yourself, then putting your faith in others is not so much trust as it is absolving yourself of responsibility.

Rose, can you see some way in your relationship (apartment, taxes) that you have been not trusting yourself, and giving your responsibility away? Probably not in the obvious "taking-care-of-myself" sense of the word responsibility, but in a more subtle, handing-over-your-power sense? What are you doing now to develop trust in yourself? It sounds like your coach gave you a bit of a wake-up call in this regard.

Bliss Sage, I would suggest being careful about taking pride in your naivete, because a lack of trust in yourself is a trait that predators seek out, and they can smell it a mile away. It's a downward spiral, because the more you get victimized, the more you feel like a victim, the more attractive you become to victimizers. Trust yourself and you break the pattern entirely.

Love,
Angela

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I strongly disagree with that. Being mistrustful is believing in a self-fulfilling prophecy, as you'll be constantly sending out signals to everyone that say: "I expect you to betray me". Sooner or later, someone will come by and say: "consider it done!". In a very real sense, you'll get exactly what you ask for.

So I'd rather be sending out a firm "I expect that I can trust you." And I don't consider that to be naive.

Well, despite my inexhaustible trust and ...I would say expectation that people were speaking sincerely to me, but it's not so much expectation as ... I can't really imagine a purpose for speaking unless you are sincere... I was greatly taken advantage of by people here. But them telling me over and over in astonishment how naive I am only served to make me feel bad, as the damage was done and, frankly, I already knew the truth in the situation and they didn't.

You are right, though. My brother and my mother are really skeptical and cynical and don't trust anyone or anything and their fears are always confirmed by their experiences. In fact I grew up being told and yelled at/sworn at a lot about how stupid I am for trusting or believing certain things or people and for doing certain things.

Like Rose of Cairo wrote, often the things deal with money. Maybe she is like me, in that money is not the most important thing in the world, but it is to most people, and so there are people who will be unscrupulous to get ours, or else ... I could misplace some money ... or ... just ... am not that meticulous with guarding my money, and have even been known to give it away sometimes (maybe to someone who has lied to me). Money comes and goes and replenishes itself always, anyway, but the person who lies to get my money has already sold their soul.