[Cado]

Originally Posted by Agota

A
1. They are immature. This is actually very easy to see when you compare students who are living with their parents and the ones who are not. You can argue as much as you want, but when your mom cooks you omelette for breakfast and wash your socks, it's pretty hard to see yourself as an adult (or be seen as one, for that matter).

Funny enough, I'd argue this is mostly a matter of perspective. Someone who takes care of all their own &*%$, cooks their own meals, drives their own car, but lives at home out of necessity is just as mature as someone who lives separate from their parents.

(Full disclosure: I started cooking my own meals, doing my own laundry, setting my own bed time, along with a number of other, smaller things when I was 13. Frankly, I think that anyone who goes past that age without doing all of that (or at least being able to) is being coddled or kept artificially immature.)

2. Their parents try to control them. As Cado pointed out, there's a certain dynamic to parent/child relationship and most parents have problems with accepting the fact that you're an adult now. As a result, they lecture their adult kids on how to live, who to date, where to work, etc. That's not healthy to anyone.

In my particular case, I've never been lectured or what have you when I've been around my parents for prolonged periods-I'm stubborn. They came to the realization they had no control over me while I was still a teenager and we're on much more equal terms as a result. The kicker for me is the psychological impact-I'm still uniquely affected by my mother. If she had more of a spine I'd probably have to avoid her altogether-either that or our relationship would be somehow healthier. There's a total lack of conflict there and that's not a good thing in this case.

3. Their parents are toxic. You wouldn't believe how many people I've met who are broken by their parents. It's not good for anyone's mental health to live with someone who constantly criticizes or humiliates you.

Absolutely. If my father were still alive it's probable I'd have either killed him or ran away around 15-16. To say there was a deep, seething rage toward him is an understatement-every moment we shared was utterly humiliating for me.

I believe that anyone who had the experience of living on your own and then moving back with your parents or other relatives can testify that living with your parents as an adult is usually not the most pleasant nor the most healthy experience.

I also don't think that the tradition of married couples staying with their parents is healthy. I can't imagine living with a guy and my relatives or his relatives. There would be obvious issues, like mother-in-law, but I also think it's important for young family to have their own space and be a separate "family unit".

Given the much more typical power dynamic between most people and their parents, I'd have to agree on both counts.

I think it's safe to say, though, that the problem isn't living with your parents vs. not living with them, it's all the societal constructs which have arisen out of parenting as an institution. The dominant thought process is that you're supposed to control children and when it lasts for so many years it's a very difficult pattern to break, especially when it's reinforced by adolescent conflict. If our thinking revolved around making children their own people and guiding them toward decisions which are mutually beneficial I doubt we'd see as many problems as we do today.

As for Asians, I personally only heard horror stories about their family ties. I believe there are healthy Asian families, but most young Asian people I've encountered, many of them in this forum, are totally messed up by their controlling parents. Is that healthy? I don't think so.

When you don't sugarcoat the eastern modality and present it as-is, you've got a solid argument for it only persisting out of economic necessity. If they had more affluent and capitalistic societies you'd probably see a shift in their values. You're already seeing it amongst wealthy families in India.

I don't think anyone wants to hate or be hated by their relatives-especially their parents-but when parents are left high and dry they need to ask themselves: what did I do to bring this on myself? It's a hard question and it implies guilt, but it's a necessary antidote to saying, "I fed them, clothed them, sacrified for them..." because if they can't see things from their kid's point of view the relationship can't be healed.