[Andrew Wilcox]

At the Conscious Growth Workshop last month, part of the feedback I received during the exercises was that I was too opaque: many people really liked me (it turns out that my lyrical interpretive dancing has helped me learn how to project joy easily), yet people felt I was keeping too much hidden: that they desired to know me better, but I wasn't volunteering enough.

One of the things I keep hidden by habit is that I enjoy tying up women. This is a pretty big hobby of mine: I regularly attend classes on technique and safety, I have a large collection of how-to books on the topic, I have natural fiber rope and vegan cuffs for women who dislike leather or synthetic materials, and so on.

But I've also had people unfriend me when they learned I was into bondage, so I'm normally careful about who I let know of my interest. Then when a friend finally learns of my skill, as often as not they say, "wow, I've always wanted to try this". So I've been keeping safe, yet also denying to friends this experience that they might like to have, if only they knew I was a practicing top.

Writing this post is for me a courage exercise. I've had this on my action idea list for about a week and half, and every day I've scanned my list, looked at this item and thought, "I think I'm going to do this, but I'm not ready yet", and then did something else on my list instead. Today I was able to push through my resistance and write this post.

Naturally I can't predict whether there will happen to be any women attending the Subjective Reality Workshop who will want to manifest this experience... for me the important thing is to practice making the offer.

My role as a top (the person doing the tying up) is, as much as I can, to create the particular experience that my partner wishes to have. I've had friends who wanted escapable bondage so that they could have the fun of wiggling out, and friends who wanted inescapable bondage so that they could relax and enjoy the sensation of being helpless. Some women have wanted to be in public, others in private, and still others to model and have their pictures taken in decorative bondage. Some have wanted to be alone and others to have friends along. Some women have wanted to be tied up themselves, and others to learn how to do it themselves. Some women have wanted to be tickled or spanked or kissed or ravished or cuddled, and others don't want their personal space invaded at all. Some women have never been tied up before and are looking for a very mild experience to try it out, and others want something intense. And so on... for me the fun challenge is to avoid making any assumptions, to create an experience which is neither too boring nor too intense across multiple dimensions.

In terms of the principles of personal growth -

Truth - for both the top (the person doing the tying up) and the bottom (the person being tied up), the accurate perception and acknowledgement of what they themselves want and don't want; and likewise the willingness to understand and accept the truth of what the other person wants and doesn't want.

Love - taking the opportunity to connect with a shared interest; to practice communication to effectively share our truth, and to create a shared experience.

Power - for the bottom the practice of assertiveness to say "this is what I want" (instead of for example wimpy "oh you can do whatever you want with me"); and for the top decisiveness in the session itself.

Oneness - realizing that we're already connected and that we can share this common interest if we want to; and practicing empathy, compassion, honesty, and fairness within the experience.

Authority - for both the top and the bottom keeping strong boundaries: to avoid doing anything that either feels is unsafe or unwanted; if desires are too mismatched to cleanly say "ok, let's not do this" instead of muddling through and creating an unpleasant and unsatisfying experience.

Courage - for the bottom having the courage to place themselves in the hands of another person; and for the top taking responsibility for the safety of someone else and for the outcome of the experience.

And regardless of whether this is a mutual desire for us or not, I look forward to meeting you at the workshop ^_^