Originally Posted by Enrim
I've posted here a number of times due to my many relationship problems with men. It seems that whenever I am single and there is no serious man in sight, I am absolutely fine, happy and productive.
But as soon as a man with serious intentions comes into my life, I completely lose my mind. Abandonment issues, commitment issues and depression slam me down into a bottomless pit.
Being at my wits' end as to why I keep pushing men away, I started reviewing my life - from my childhood to present day. And then I realized something that I've been avoiding for 5 years.
My ex-boyfriend raped me. It was the most intense pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I screamed, asking him to stop at the top of my lungs. Again and again. I have never screamed like that before and never since. It felt like a dull knife ripping my insides.
The only person I ever told about this is my mother (however I did not use the word "rape" since I was still partially in denial that it was, in fact, rape). Her response to me was that it happened to me because I was weak. So I pushed the memories back into the farthest corner of mind.
This was about 3 months ago.
Today I finally accepted and faced the fact that I was raped. Now I can start healing.
well I was sexually traumatized when I was about nine. I blocked it out until I was about 21 and then I've spent the last 8 years learning about it and healing myself from it and I've learned a few things.
1. your body will always remember what happened to you. In one form or another you never actually forget anything that has happened to you, especially something intensely physical like that.
2. the intensity of that can be redirected with practice patience and dedication. basically you need to be with someone really understanding or simply bounce around from lover to lover re-learning how to enjoy pleasure. its more difficult than it seems and there are a lot of emotions that you have to go through to teach your body that its ok to feel pleasure even though it brings back that darkness and anger along with it. this is probably the hardest thing to deal with and takes the most time because you have to let yourself have very intense sexual experiences while at the same time let your emotions come along with it without thoroughly hating yourself or your lover. it is possible though and its something that should be greatly taken into account with every person you have sex with, also masturbation is a good way to get around it, sexual meditations and guided arousal under hypnosis is another way to go but ive personally never done it.
3. forgiveness is for you, not the other person. theyre going to go on living without a care in the world whether or not you forgive them. its for you, let yourself forgive the person, the situation, the anger you hold onto, the consequences, the shame, the guilt, the denial. understand that your a different person now and that in a way who you were is dead now, and that's ok. it really is ok. your still alive and your heart beats and you can find things to smile about and you can make your life and your world beautiful.
4. relationships are always difficult. being alone is difficult. but when your alone you say your peaceful productive and happy? well when your in a relationship and it gets to the point of being "serious" you end up panicking and sabotaging the situation. a lot of times what people dont understand about us who have been traumatized is that its a lot easier for us now to be happier being single. and its something very difficult for us ourselves to understand. we are social creatures after all and sex is good and being in a relationship seems to be a cultural and social necessity. your looked at as some kind of weirdo if you dont have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. well what i did is i learned how to be single, kind of like an alcoholic that cant go back to social drinking, you learn to be single you learn to do the things that make you truly fulfilled and passionate and glad to be alive. like painting or playing the piano, something you can totally devote yourself to for a time being that just touches your soul. do this and learn yourself learn to love to be alone. and then when you feel yourself slipping into that self sabotage situation, if you even think its beginning to start. take a step back, throw yourself into what you love to do for yourself, give yourself time to miss someone and put them way way way in the back of your mind. its easier for a woman because many times guys dont know what the hell their thinking anyways and if you say hey dude i need to take some time off alright, I gotta be alone for a few days, week or two. dont over explain yourself, EVERYONE NEEDS TIME ALONE!
just get to the point where you can take a good look and understand that no one is ever going to fully understand you, and you are never going to fully understand anyone. every human mind and heart and soul is a world unto themselves and you may have a strong physical, emotional, even psychic bond with someone but in the end you can only be what you COMMUNICATE to that person. its the difference between being awake and being in a coma.
and most older women see women who are raped as being weak. its just an older world sense of thinking about the dynamics of man and woman. the important thing is that you told your mom about it.
personally i dont have anything to say about whether or not to prosecute this guy im not a woman and dont know what it is but i know in my situation i confronted my abusers, and there was more than one, and i told them i forgive them. and thats it let life do with them what it will. some people are just truly dead inside and you cant let yourself be that way.
5. future relationships. for me I dont ever have sex with a girl i like until ive known them for a good three months. if i dont really like a girl or i know its not going anywhere then it just becomes like a friends with benefits situation that usually doesnt last long because i dont want it to. but if i really do appreciate and want to be in a serious relationship with a girl i make them wait because its important for them to understand that i have a different viewpoint about sex than most guys do, i respect myself and the emotions that go along with being in a relationship and since i like them i like for them to understand i see a difference between making love and making love last. its alot easier to keep someone than it is to find someone.
i hope this helps in some small way. i actually started a website that discusses personal sexual development its smartsexhealth.com