I realize we each heal in our own ways, as mentioned.
For me, my husband has really helped.
Yet, still, to this day, I don't like being pushed or touched in certain ways.
Originally Posted by Enrim
I've posted here a number of times due to my many relationship problems with men. It seems that whenever I am single and there is no serious man in sight, I am absolutely fine, happy and productive.
But as soon as a man with serious intentions comes into my life, I completely lose my mind. Abandonment issues, commitment issues and depression slam me down into a bottomless pit.
Being at my wits' end as to why I keep pushing men away, I started reviewing my life - from my childhood to present day. And then I realized something that I've been avoiding for 5 years.
My ex-boyfriend raped me. It was the most intense pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I screamed, asking him to stop at the top of my lungs. Again and again. I have never screamed like that before and never since. It felt like a dull knife ripping my insides.
The only person I ever told about this is my mother (however I did not use the word "rape" since I was still partially in denial that it was, in fact, rape). Her response to me was that it happened to me because I was weak. So I pushed the memories back into the farthest corner of mind.
This was about 3 months ago.
Today I finally accepted and faced the fact that I was raped. Now I can start healing.
I'm glad you're starting to heal. I also think it's easy to blame everything on one thing. We must realize there are many factors. IE... how your mom responded seems like she has a tendency to misdirect blame. (I can relate.) Consider how that's affected you - shame? It's not about blame. It's about understanding & then healing. Realize, that this guy who raped you, may have been raped himself, or for some reason, the events & associated feelings & thoughts in his life led up to him hurting you. I'm not justifying what he did at all... it just helps me to forgive (which is a gift to oneself... "given" to go "for"ward), if I understand a little why
somebody would hurt me.
Why do you think you're so afraid of being abandoned, & afraid to commit?
What do you hope from a relationship? Have you had a healthy relationship - even with family or a friend?