| | How does an unattractive female find value in herself and find a place in this world?
I've written about this before briefly and thought I had dealt with it but I have not. Today the same thing happened to me again as it has done since I was maybe 10 years old: I walk past two guys together who look me up and down to decide whether or not they think I am attractive then one says to the other 'she's ugly'. Loud enough for me to hear. The other one laughs. As a result, I just feel hurt and unfortunately end up crying (even though I try not to). I just do not know how to deal with this. It sounds stupid to be affected by it but it's not a one off occurrence and there is this constant social pressure I feel telling me that I am supposed to be attractive. When this happens I feel really low, rejected and lonely. I go into a kind of 'depression' for days where I don't want to eat, I don't want to work on my goals, I don't want to do anything with my life. In fact, I don't really want to live. I am affected by the fact that they feel the need to tell me how they feel about my appearance and they feel that because I am not attractive I have no value and deserve no respect. I've had adult men insult me and teenage boys. It's not only outward abuse in the street but also coldness by guys serving me (when they are extra nice to others) or by guys who try to avoid me because they do not want their friends to think they are with 'an ugly girl' or they don’t want to ‘lead me on’. I have had guys tell their friends (the ones who have liked me in the past) not to go out with me because they 'could do better’. I have been told I am not pretty enough etc. Usually the thing to 'lift' me out of this is if a man shows a positive reaction to how I look or a smile - some kind of warmth towards me. I feel ok for a while then I get another comment.
I want to be able to pick myself up without having male approval or even to not have to pick myself up in the first place because I am not affected by it. I feel so ashamed of my face and I hate to see groups of boys together because I know exactly what they will say to me or about me. I usually hide my face in some way when I pass them or look another way. Every time I see a group of boys I want to cross the street. I constantly feel rejected (as an example I look at every guy I pass in the street just to see if he's looking at me or not - it's usually 'not' and I feel really bad about myself). I want to feel strong, valuable and as if I have as much right to life as these cocky boys do but in situations like this, I just don't. Today I tried to tell myself 'it's not personal: to them you're just a face, an object as is anyone they pass on the street' but I was still hurt. I have accepted the fact that this is going to occur throughout my life so I need a strategy for self-protection.
I guess my questions are:
.If you were insulted in the street on a semi-regular basis, how would you deal with this? How would you for example, still feel valuable as a person? How do you not go home and cry like a child (which is sadly what I do)?
.Would you 'accept' that you are generally not attractive or would you try to make yourself 'hot'? I have tried putting make-up on (eyeliner) and heels etc. but it doesn't do much.
.I have had the odd day (not any more) where guys have checked me out. The way I feel when that happens is I feel really valuable, uplifted and worthy but above all I feel 'safe'. I feel that I am 'ok'. How do I feel that way regardless of how much approval I receive?
.Do I just only hang around with girls for the rest of my life? Do I shut out guys/the mainstream completely? How?
I really want to be strong about this. I've seen some PUA stuff with coaches giving guys pep-talks and building confidence in them. I might need
something like that. I need some confidence and self belief. I think i'm confident and then this happens and I fall to pieces.