wow... alot of posts sinse last i checked this. (thank you all by the way)
well, ive got somewhat of an update. I posted before that she said she would "try". Well, I actually saw her the other night. Okay... well, i "saw" her... i wont get into details, but you know what i mean. It was nice to be with a woman again, but now that i think about it... it wasnt really [I]that[I] nice. It would have been alot nicer if i loved her.... Which, at the time i may have actually thought i did, but anyway...
well, after that night, i found out that she has cheated on me ALOT. and not just little one night stands, or drunken mistakes or anything like that... She has had full on relationships with other guys (and now a girl... weird right?) since she has been with me. Even since she has been ENGAGED to me, she had like, 2 other boyfriends. yeah, the long distance thing will never happen again!!
But anyhow... I havent told her yet that I found out about all this stuff... Im still debating how i want to bring it up.... Well, okay, im thinking of bad stuff that none of you wonderful people would approve of (and no, im not talking about killing her, or being violent or anything illegal...) so i wont go into detail about that.
Anyway, I love you all for your input, theres some good stuff in here, really.
I know that i can channel this anger into a physical outlet of some kind (its amazing how easily anger can give your muscles a boost of "pep" if you will). But doing mental, or scholarly activities are difficult still.
I go through cycles of feeling angry, depressed, numb, hopeless, empty, and then extremely angry.
Its hard for me to focus my mental abilities when i feel there is no meaning to my life... when i feel like an empty shell.
Its kinda funny, cuz the worst times for me are when i am not at work. The weekends, after work... even on lunch breaks... At least when im at work my mind is occupied with other stuff (mostly).
I just really wish i could find something that makes me happy...
Bah... ive lost focus, ill write more later... thanks all, and your replies are still welcome, and appreciated