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Jes · 08-02-2007, 09:55 PM

Last night I had probably the scariest experience of my life. It started with just a few hits of marijuana---a very small amount for me, to the point where I wasn't really expecting to feel high at all. But after a few minutes, the nausea set in. It's happened once or twice before (albeit after smoking a MUCH larger amount than that), so I think to myself "go wait it out in the bathroom; you might throw up but you'll be all right afterward." As I begin walking, I start to feel dizzy---really, really dizzy. By the time I got there, I couldn't stand up. Blood was either rushing to or from my head, like when you stand up after a long movie, but 10 times as intense. After another minute, I temporarily lost my hearing. "Oh God, this is it," I thought. "I'm probably not going to die, but I might, and I'll at least definitely pass out. Just don't let yourself pass out before you throw up. You're going to be all right. You're going to be all right. Are you going to be all right? Sure, you'll be all right. Oh God, I'm losing my mind. I can't think. My heart is racing, I feel cold, but I can't really feel anything." Then I threw up. "Thank God, I'm going to feel OK now. Wait. I don't feel OK. I still feel horrible. But I think I can stand up. Let me try that." I stand up and look in the mirror: it looks as though I've been dead for hours. My face is the palest I've ever seen it, my lips completely blue. I'm cold, but I no longer think I'm going to pass out. Eventually, I come to, but even today I still feel a little off. That was the closest to death I've ever felt.

But this morning I wake up thinking "that was awful, but it probably won't happen again the next time I smoke. I should look into quitting, but I don't have to start today." And then I realize I've got a problem.

It's been two years since I started smoking regularly, and in that time, I've accomplished almost nothing. I may have grown slightly as a person, but I'm still in the same position as I was in August 2005. Actually, I'm worse off, because I at least began with $15-20k in the bank. Now I've declared bankruptcy, and have less than $800. I'm clinically depressed and can't remember the last time I had a full 24 hours of happiness. But the truth is, I don't know if I'd be any happier if I were sober. Two years ago my girlfriend of four years got up and left me one morning, a day after I thought our relationship couldn't be any better. She gave me no explanation and never said another word to me. Since then my outlook on life has been drastically different, and I'm afraid to give up the two things that bring me peace: getting high, and my new drug-addicted girlfriend. They are the only two things I look forward to each day.

So my question for those in recovery: is life more enjoyable for you now that you're clean? A silly question, I know, but the real world frightens me to tears. How do you deal with the harshness of life without "taking the edge off?"

08-02-2007, 09:55 PM	#1 (permalink)
Jes Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 164	Anyone here a recovering addict? Last night I had probably the scariest experience of my life. It started with just a few hits of marijuana---a very small amount for me, to the point where I wasn't really expecting to feel high at all. But after a few minutes, the nausea set in. It's happened once or twice before (albeit after smoking a MUCH larger amount than that), so I think to myself "go wait it out in the bathroom; you might throw up but you'll be all right afterward." As I begin walking, I start to feel dizzy---really, really dizzy. By the time I got there, I couldn't stand up. Blood was either rushing to or from my head, like when you stand up after a long movie, but 10 times as intense. After another minute, I temporarily lost my hearing. "Oh God, this is it," I thought. "I'm probably not going to die, but I might, and I'll at least definitely pass out. Just don't let yourself pass out before you throw up. You're going to be all right. You're going to be all right. Are you going to be all right? Sure, you'll be all right. Oh God, I'm losing my mind. I can't think. My heart is racing, I feel cold, but I can't really feel anything." Then I threw up. "Thank God, I'm going to feel OK now. Wait. I don't feel OK. I still feel horrible. But I think I can stand up. Let me try that." I stand up and look in the mirror: it looks as though I've been dead for hours. My face is the palest I've ever seen it, my lips completely blue. I'm cold, but I no longer think I'm going to pass out. Eventually, I come to, but even today I still feel a little off. That was the closest to death I've ever felt. But this morning I wake up thinking "that was awful, but it probably won't happen again the next time I smoke. I should look into quitting, but I don't have to start today." And then I realize I've got a problem. It's been two years since I started smoking regularly, and in that time, I've accomplished almost nothing. I may have grown slightly as a person, but I'm still in the same position as I was in August 2005. Actually, I'm worse off, because I at least began with $15-20k in the bank. Now I've declared bankruptcy, and have less than $800. I'm clinically depressed and can't remember the last time I had a full 24 hours of happiness. But the truth is, I don't know if I'd be any happier if I were sober. Two years ago my girlfriend of four years got up and left me one morning, a day after I thought our relationship couldn't be any better. She gave me no explanation and never said another word to me. Since then my outlook on life has been drastically different, and I'm afraid to give up the two things that bring me peace: getting high, and my new drug-addicted girlfriend. They are the only two things I look forward to each day. So my question for those in recovery: is life more enjoyable for you now that you're clean? A silly question, I know, but the real world frightens me to tears. How do you deal with the harshness of life without "taking the edge off?"