[demk]

I posted this before in an article entitled Need help making changes (I think). I felt it might benefit people who have read this blog.

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I had a break through today after reading Steve's recent blog post on responsibility which could be exactly what you are going through.

Recently I have become aware of the resistance your ego presents you with. It has a vested interest in everything staying exaclty the same because it feeds off your situation. Your current situation is very pleasing to your ego even though you may be dissatisfied. Even your dissatisfaction is pleasing to the ego in some way.

Anyway, I have been trying to get myself to really look at my beliefs and I encountered a lot of resistance in the form of procrastination, excuses and mood swings. I realisied that the excuses were actually irrational because they didnt even involve the of myriad reasons why I shouldnt do something. It is like my mind just latched onto certain excuses because it knew that when I thought about that I would behave in a certain way which maintained my current life. Out of all the possible excuses my ego would always present me with the ones that worked for its aims, the ones it new would get it what it wanted.

After reading Steve's post I asked myself some questions in my journal like what does success hold for me, why might i be scared of my full potential and why might i fear responsibility. The answers were the same old excuses that my mind always uses. Then I asked myself, what would happen if you got over all the ego excuses, started to realize how capable you are, you were able to do exaclty what you love, left your past behind and lived to your highest potential? The answers were suprisig and rang very true...

I realised that I simply didnt trust myself with any sort of responsibility. I felt like I would mess things up and possibly even harm others if I had the means. Not in a malicious way of course but I felt like I was too careless to have any power or money or whatever. When I was young someone used to say to me "if you had brains you'd be dangerous" whenever I did something wrong. This sums it up exaclty. I feel like if I have brains (read money/power/influence) I would be dangerous or irresponsible.

This is irrational of course because I am in fact a responsible and well intending person. My next course of action is to change these beliefs with questions that prove the opposite is true. This works well for me. I will be asking myself questions like why am I responsible, why am I capable of handling a situation involving money and power etc. This works because your mind starts generating answers. I generally write them down too, about ten or so for each answer. Do this often enough and you will change your beliefs and naturally behave differently (it is like magic how your reality changes when you change).

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Thanks for the inspiration Steve. This has been a big beakthrough