[Rezzy7]

Originally Posted by James81

The realization that changed me most was to think about the types of behaviors that I was labeling as being a "d***" (or an ass or a jerk or whatever other variation is out there).

I don't know if we're talking about the same thing. I don't think of a charismatic person in that way. And I don't know if I am able to fully explain the point of my question.

In my experience people who think that highly of themselves, who think they're the sh, have been self absorbed, egotistical, jerks...And that is not labeling that I came up with on my own, it's apparently an opinion a good number of other people share, as well. Obviously, there are very charismatic individuals to whom this does not apply. They're able to have this sense about themselves, and people respond to it positively. I asked about this coming from a place of people treating me as if I am jerkish, even though all I ever BE is as friendly, positive and generous as I know how.

When I realized that that person probably doesn't see their behavior as being a "d***,"

Do jerks ever see themselves as jerks? I don't think they see their behavior as jerkish, they just think, for example, they deserve to be in front of everybody else in traffic, so it's okay to cut you off or nearly caused an accident.

I started realizing that the ways in which I was limiting myself was by looking at certain behaviors (behaviors that would actually get me more of what I want) as being assholish (or whatever).

I guess I don't know what behaviors would get me what I want, so I wouldn't know if I look at those behaviors assholishly or not. If I am not getting what I want all I can do is ask, and it seems to me the charismatic man never has to ask, people just give him what he wants without so much as a hint from him.

I call it the "Moral Trap" or the "Moral Excuse." I don't do such and such because I'm too good to do that (or I don't believe doing that is right...or I believe that behavior is selfish)...that kind of thing.

You have an interesting point but I don't see that I'm applying this kind of trap/excuse/reasoning to the people I actually admire. I don't think they they are behaving in ways I would not want for myself, but actually, I am not around such people enough to observe them, anyway. My guess is they are not behaving selfishly, etc.

That is putting the cart before the horse, though. You don't ACT charismatic and then suddenly you become charismatic.

Now I'm getting more confused. Are you saying acting charismatic is putting the cart before the horse, or reinforcing references is? Anyway, I think what I meant is that I don't have any idea what "being charisma" is like, or feels like, because I don't remember ever being charismatic. And that is what would cause there to be positive, reinforcing references. So I don't know how one just starts feeling/believing he is that way, without understanding what it means from the inside. (Externally, I have observed what it looks like, which is not being it's observing it from the outside, in someone else.)

I urge you to learn what the state of charisma FEELS like to you, and learn how to access it when you want or need it.

I can make myself feel inspired and good, and I can be in a highly charged, positive state. And sometimes that does seem to positively influence how people respond to me. But that is not charisma, and it is still a far cry from how people react to a charismatic person.

Originally Posted by mindsight

i guess i wanted to put out the perspective that wanting to improve in social interactions is a wonderful thing to work towards but wanting to be all together different from who you are may be moving away from self-honesty, self-confidence and ultimate growth.

Good point. For myself, at least, I don't have any intention to be other than who I am, and who I strive to become, is also part of who I am.

Originally Posted by James81

And as it reinforces it, the more you believe it, the less you have to consciously use the technique (i.e. it becomes automatic to believe you are charismatic because you felt charisma, you imagined yourself as charisma, your physiology and, thus, your experiences changed in line with your feeling, and, finally, other people picked up on that and fed it back to you...which helps you to secure that belief about yourself.

For me the feedback section is the convincer, which solidifies it all, and it is the part I'm not experiencing enough of. I guess I have a ways to go.