Originally Posted by Rezzy7
And he's able to have the "so they can experience how AWESOME I am" mentality without being an d***, the way some do? I know there is a way to be that way. Sorry if you said this already somewhere that I missed, did you talk to him about it after? Curious what else he might have said.
It's interesting to see this question from the perspective of ME not being the one asking it. I used to ask this question all the time (or the variation: "How do you be outgoing/charasmatic/get what you want without being a d***?"
The realization that changed me wasn't that I suddenly had an answer to that question (I don't). The realization that changed me most was to think about the types of behaviors that I was labeling as being a "d***" (or an ass or a jerk or whatever other variation is out there).
When I realized that that person probably doesn't see their behavior as being a "d***," I started realizing that the ways in which I was limiting myself was by looking at certain behaviors (behaviors that would actually get me more of what I want) as being assholish (or whatever).
I call it the "Moral Trap" or the "Moral Excuse." I don't do such and such because I'm too good to do that (or I don't believe doing that is right...or I believe that behavior is selfish)...that kind of thing.
The perspective changes when you start looking at it from that perspective, because then you see that you've been your own worst enemy and you START to see how you've been choosing something other than charisma because you've been labeling the behaviors of the charismatic as "d***ish."
Originally Posted by Rezzy7
Which is why it's hard for someone with that quality to tell you "how". One thing for me is the "create reference experiences" part... that's one of the things I have to learn to do. Because...
That is putting the cart before the horse, though. You don't ACT charismatic and then suddenly you become charismatic.
Charisma is a feeling. I know it, because I feel it all the time. It starts at the base of my neck and runs down my shoulders...and it starts with the prickly goosebump feelings that I get whenever I feel inspired. Then, it moves from feeling good to imagination....I see myself being charisma...being charismatic in my head. I imagine what I look like, what I'm doing, how I'm acting...I see myself moving about wherever it is that I'm at with charisma.....
And then, I sort of come back to reality (so to speak) and I notice immediately that my entire physiology (i.e. body language) has changed. There've been times when I've been in the store and I go into that state and when I sort of "come out of it" and become more aware of my surrounding, I start noticing people smiling at me. It confuses me for a second because I wonder if there's something on my face...or if my hair is out of place...or I'm wearing unmatching clothes....but those thoughts only linger for a moment when I realize that they are smiling at me because I am smiling at them!
And then I laugh, and let my old limiting beliefs (what's on my face? etc.) go on their merry way.
This is very good stuff man. It's amazing how it transforms you just to be able to do two things:
1. Make yourself feel good (i.e. for me, that's an "inspired" feeling)
2. How to use your imagination and actually see yourself, in your minds eye, being charisma.
And that, my friend, sets the framework in which charisma can thrive. Why? Because it gets your physiology on board. It's pretty hard to be charismatic when you think gunky thoughts and you have a scowl on your face and are thinking about how you *need* to be charismatic.
So, so much easier to learn how to first make yourself feel good...then use your imagination to slide into the role...and then see that your physiology shifts automatically and you're in a state in which you're able to be more charismatic.
From THERE...once you know what charisma FEELS like to you (and it may take a few times to really work yourself into that state and to tap that feeling...don't get me wrong, it took me a few months to learn what charisma felt like), those reference experiences start to create themselves in that you are in a more willing state of being charisma rather than whatever it is you normally feel.
So, I would urge you NOT to go try to create reference experiences. That shouldn't be your goal. Because that will fail and suck and you will be in your head the whole time. I urge you to learn what the state of charisma FEELS like to you, and learn how to access it when you want or need it.