i looked over my goals and i just keep thinking that it is pointless to do this. i had similar goals 2 years ago and in those 2 years i met alot of people, hung out with them but after 2 years i donthave much to show for it. some were bad people, some i chose to let go, and some just kind of went away.
I mean for my birthday, none of my current friends, the people i hang out with most of the time did not show up to my birthday. the only people that showed up were people from work and one friend. everybody else ditched or had other plans.
the thing is i cant blame it on them because it has something to do with me. something that i am failing to do that i keep repeating the same pattern again and again. i feel alone and i want it to go away but it keeps creeping back. it stops me from doing homework, working on drawings and paintings i dont know if its even worth my time to even worry about it. the feeling that no one cares and that if i ever need my friends they will not be there. my fear is that i am just not good at connecting with people at a deeper level than just small talk. that all my effort will again be a waste of time.
now this time i want to do things differently. i want to meet new people see new experiences, but i want to connect with them in a manner where i care about their life and they do the same for me.  |