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needless to say, it has taken quite a pounding on my self esteem, but also of my opinion of her.
what should i do? and, who is right?
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I would say : stop judging both yourself and her. There is no "right" and "wrong" in this thing.
My heart goes with you. I know what you are talking about very well... My family is extremly dysfunctional and abusive too. All of them are alcoholics or "dry" alcoholics (don't know how to say that in english : alcoholics that don't drink alcohol any more). I cared for my mom since I was a child, she was depressive too.
I'd like to tell you, you are not responsible for her. It's her life, she's an adult (even if she doesn't behave according to that evidence). She has to go through this alone. You have to let her go and focus on yourself. I know you are feeling responsible and would feel very guilty if you stop helping her. but 1) it's a too big charge for you to help her now. It's steeling the energy you need for your own life. 2) And : it's not your job! You are her son, not her father and not a psychologist. What you told us I would not call "being friends". I know how this is, I was my mom's "best friend" for years too, but that isn't friendship. 3) You're not trained to do it. so even if you really wish to help her, you'll likely to fail anyway. Let this job to a professional. you may think you're helping her that way, but you're not really helping her. 4) It would be better for her too, you know. It's not only about you and your energy. As I stopped supporting my mom, she first was very down. But soon she started a big change in her life. She began socializing, growing, she overcame her depression and has now friends (real friends!) with whom she can talk. And I am her (real!) daughter now. As long as I was always listening to her and trying to help her, she would never have done that. So I was holding her back.
"him or me" doesn't make sense. you cannot force her "on the right path". It's her life, she has the right to do what she wants. And you have the right to go on secure distance. No, actually I think it's your duty. That's the best thing you can do if you love her.
I hope my post isn't offending you... I know how hard my words may sound to you. I needed a lot of time to make this decision too, so I know how you're feeling.
Best wishes to you!