[royster]

Hey Roy,

Things are chugging along. It's pretty rough in terms of energetic
cleansing due to the solar storms, and yet - I understand why the
first phase is over. Things that once challenged me for months and
weeks now turn over within a few days, even hours. The see saw has
become even more rapid, and with every downturn there is now only
enormous possibilities for growth, even along with the wretched
emotions, memories, gunk, and physical symptoms that accompany the
shedding of layers.

Thalia

(Festive or Flourishing)
One of the nine Muses. She presided over comedy and pastoral poetry
which explains why she holds a comic mask. But Thalia is the "country
girl" of the group. She loves to traipse about meadows and forests and
rural places; she carries the shepherd's crook.

I don't know why, but I am thrust into this cosmic mothering position
in so many of my relationships lately, though I have temporarily
forsaken any attempts at romance. As Mr. T often said, 'I pity the
fool. HAH!' Everything is upside down. I received this morning that my
next process involves learning to love without ownership. I have
witnessed with perspective that that which I have experienced in terms
of control and abuse actually reflects my own flawed beliefs about
love. Growing up I realize that father that I idolized so deeply,
because he was the only parent who showed me love, was a nearly
non-functional alcoholic (the only difference is he was a quiet drunk
who would start drinking with dinner and drink until he passed out
each night to blot out his combat flashbacks, but he was never violent
or angry)...but he was possessive of my mother. He controlled her in
much more subtle and insidious ways. She herself had an alcoholic,
controlling father - but he was all rage and crazy behavior. So I can
see how the familiarity of the controlling, abusive alcoholic was more
pleasant in light of the fact that my father was not abusive. Just
alcoholic and controlling.

That urge to cling, grasp, control - comes from a deeply inherited and
experienced feeling of lack and famine. From this comes the limiting
belief that love can only exist if you have it, hold it, keep it near
you all the time, and always know its whereabouts, and that if it goes
away from you at all, it will dwindle and disappear...this is why the
concept of marriage was created, it was created in times of famine
when there was not enough.

But I see it. Love is everywhere, in everything, it is what we
breathe, it is the substrate in which the planet moves, the sun burns,
that which our physiology responds to, it is in the wind and water. It
is kindled between human hearts, but not only two hearts - in all
hearts. The most beautiful expression of love is creation. And people
don't have broken hearts because they lose love, they have broken
hearts because they try to hold onto something and keep it and control
it - but elemental forces become dim and sputter out when you try to
contain them. Then, they are no longer of the elements, right? There
is no such thing as love lost. It's like energy. It just changes its
form of expression, and if you push it down or stifle or mute it, it
will pop back up in the strangest ways...

Love to you!
Thalia