[Dharma]

The story you gave is not about your mother, her BF, or your sister. It is about you.

Here, I rewrote it like you are talking to yourself:

I was sitting with myself and the reflections of my mother/feminine and father/masculine aspects of myself. I told me I was bringing new life into me (baby) and I want the mother aspect of me to let go of my addiction to denial (cigarettes).

When I try to change my habits I have to put one part of myself against the other. I believe I cannot just choose to change myself; I need to have a ‘reason’ to change (baby) and prepare to battle with myself over the reasons. I fear the old habits I have and my addiction to denial will spoil the new life that is moving within me. I feel I must get rid of the denial first, before attempting to bring in the new part of self (baby).

When I have this battle within myself I cannot stay present (I throw myself out). I see the world in absolutes and polarities. It’s my way or the highway. This is how I deal with myself inside.

Much of the wall I put up against my feminine side has faded away now and I can talk with her again. I was sad to see my mother/father relationship has not changed. I have an expectation that it will change. My emotional body is depressed and is crying for attention (mother’s fake suicide) but I continue to live as I have before and actually do things to encourage the game of denial I play.

I told my feminine/emotional body I wasn’t going to talk until I am ready. When I talk to myself in polarity (him or me) I always get denial back (I lose).

-comments-

Ok, so you’re trying to bring something new into your life, into your consciousness (and what it is might be totally unconscious right now). You want to make a change. Since your mother is the main focus, the story is about the feminine aspect of yourself; and to me it feels specifically like your emotional body. People are reconnecting to their emotional bodies a lot these days and it causes a lot of suffering. Especially when you approach it with logic.

If you’re going to change an angry woman’s mind, who’s already thrown you out multiple times, you don’t reason with her, especially if you’ve already been down that road before. (Logic is masculine BTW) You appeal to her feelings. More on this later.

When you think of personal change you think of battle. How about associating change with ease? “Change is easy for me. I don’t need to fight with myself now.”

You also think that all your personal s**t has to be cleared up before you make the change. That’s why I wrote: I feel I must get rid of the denial first, before attempting to bring in the new part of self (baby). You can be dysfunctional and functional at the same time. They are not in polarity even though they seem to be. Trust me, they’re not. You are stalling the change you want to make in yourself by thinking you have to have things in a certain way first. Just do it! It will all work out.

Stop seeing the world in absolutes, black and white, my way or the highway. Catch yourself doing that and say, “wait maybe there’s other options here I’m not seeing”, and disconnect you mind from the problem, give it some space and see what happens.

Ok, you need to get the mother aspect moving. That means emotional body. Find what opens you up emotionally and do that. For me it’s being in nature and shutting up the mind for a bit. Watching films that inspire me. Laughing. Being around young people. Playing my guitar. Singing. Photography. Actually resting when I feel tired. Getting a massage, getting nurtured.

Try to meditate and pull the breath way down into the belly. See if you can get the belly vibrating with each breath. Find what works for you.

I hope this gets you started in understanding the reflection that you have given yourself through this situation.