hello everyone.i am in a dilemma.rather put myself into this.after seeing a lot of relations die in front of me right from my childhood,both paternal and maternal i looked fwwd to making friends.eventually they went to become one of my life's priorities.but i had set some standards for making friends.friends who would be for me no matter what,who would love and care for my feelings just like their own.where there is no scope for any jealousy or fights.an ideal friendship overall.being an idealistic doesn't help,eh?
but all this seems like an illusion to me.years after years,after meeting so many people,i still feel empty.while i get so emotional about friends,care for them,think of them everyday[don't think there is not single day when i don't think of them or the good times we had or the times they have been with me when i needed them the most or the good things i learnt from them.]i have not got the same kind of response from them.
my idea is not the type that you love your friends only when they are in front of you.throughout my life i have dreamt of having one friend who would be like my soul mate.i never gave up because i am not the ones to give up.i still believe such friendships exist.or is it too much to expect?as years have passed by,my belief is only getting stronger coz of the kind of people i have been attracting into my life.i always kept my eyes and mind open to find that person.they say that u even find god if u God looking for him.is it that difficult to find one friend.
is it that most of us seek friends who are just like us?and is it really so difficult to come across people with similar wavelengths?most of the time,i know a lot about them only coz i made an effort to get to know them and their problems.but the same cannot be said about them.i just don't want to sound like i am someone great or did them a favour.for along time,i tried denying that this was happening to me.
too many questions in my mind at the same time.i get very emotional about my friends especially when they don't make efforts to keep in touch with me.so is it only my requirement?or is it that my priorities are totally wrong?it might sound like i have answers to my own questions.but if it was so simple.
i think it's high time i change this attitude of mine.but my problem is that i love all of them.my feelings for them is really intense.i know this is not good for me.all of them had enough opportunity to make an effort.it's always like "you know us right.we are busy.but that doesn't mean you will not keep in touch."i am just too tired of accepting the same old reasons.recently when i didn't contact one of them for a long time,finally one of them realised that it was very strange that i did not bother to keep in touch.i did mention about how bad i felt at the lack of response.i felt very bad that i had to tell them to make them realise that i do feel bad.for all of them,i come across as someone who is emotionally very strong.funny part is after being with me for a few years,they also know that i am extremely sensitive and care for them like anything.
my point is,is it so difficult for someone to understand other's feelings?even after being together for so many years.i cannot go on telling all these people that i feel bad that they are not making any efforts.i don't think it's that difficult if one really wants to make an effort.it should come from within.and the best part is all of them are really nice people.we have had great times together.been there for each other.and that is why i still want them to be a part of my life.
another thing could be that i have my priorities totally wrong and should stop thinking about wasting my emotions.ultimately i am getting hurt.someone said"you are your highest priority."how do i do this?i am totally clueless.it's just making me go crazy and i really want to do something about it.stop being emotional about friends.it's just too difficult for me to accept that i have been wrong all these years by caring for them so intensely.and i am totally against being diplomatic which is also why i only have a few friends.
all the while,i thought friendship is also a comittment.was i wrong in thinking like that?i have been thinking seriously about making some serious changes in my life.i am looking forward to some serious advices from all of you which would help me make a decision,for the good of all.without hurting anyone.most important, myself!