One thing that my department requires is "training" in communication. (I'm in school for occupational therapy.) This is because our clients are likely to come to us in very fragile emotional states -- people who have just had a stroke and lost the use of half their body; people who have just had an accident and become tetraplegic; people who have just discovered that their child has a developmental disability; the child of the previous example, who doesn't know that s/he isn't average.
Some of the things I've been taught about
communication, especially
active listening:
*Only try to listen when you have time to stop and listen. If you're distracted, you're not helping. Stop what you're doing, move away from your work area with the person, and be there totally in body and mind. If you are a guy,
turn off the tv.
*Model the body language and tone of voice of the person speaking, but do so calmly. For example, if a person gets angry about something, you become serious: sit up straight or stand, lean forward attentively, make direct eye contact, listen, use a serious tone of voice when replying.
*Repeat back to the person what they just said to make sure that you are clear and are recieving the message accurately. For example:
"I can't believe that bastard just cut me off!"
You reply: "He just turned in front of you?"
The angry person wants you to validate his anger. Do so. "That's pretty annoying. I hate it when people do that to me."
*Don't offer advice. Validation of feelings doesn't involve trying to "fix" the feeling or the cause. If the person asks for advice, then offer some. Be honest. If you don't know, say "I don't know, but would you like me to try to find out?"
*Often when people are experiencing troubling emotions, they just want another warm body to be there and act as a springboard while they
sort it out themselves. Validation of feelings helps them move through the feeling and arrive at a calmer state where they can rationalize their own way through the feeling.
*Ask for details or clarification when needed. Often just talking about what brought about the emotions will help the person move through those emotions to a calmer state. Prompting the person at intervals is helpful: "I understand, you were angry at q when she did r. Go on."
*The person does not
usually want you to fix the problem for them. Don't try to solve or fix the problem unless the person says directly, "can you do x to help me arrive at y?" The help might be speaking to a third party on the person's behalf. You have to use your judgement to determine if this would be beneficial or if it would involve you in the problem. It's
generally better to encourage open communication between two people who are having communication problems, rather than to intervene without both parties present.
*Don't judge the speaker. People don't usually want you to validate their actions... they want you to validate their feelings. All feelings are valid, even if all actions are not.
*Empathy is to "feel with," not to "feel for." No one wants your pity, but they do want you to validate their sadness or anger.
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As with any skill, active listening takes practice. The more you do it, the better you get.
If you want, I'll go dig out my text. I can't remember the name of it.