Quote:
Originally Posted by Wulfen  @Jehosephat: yeah, what you are trying to do is very good. That kind of empathy will get you very close to your girlfriend and to other people.
One thing you can do in these situations is to elicit, that is, to draw out the core feelings that she is experiencing at that moment. For instance:
Her car breaks: she might have feelings of importence, of weakness, because a random incident can cause her a lot of inconvenience.
She gets fired from a job: feelings of being unfit, of not being able to find another job, unworthyness.
What I do is to listen to her and try to draw the core feeling at each moment:
Girl (upset): hey, my girlfriends set up a meeting and didn't call me.
Me: what? wow, you surely must feel betrayed right now. It's very ungrateful when you trust some people and then they don't correspond.
Girl: exactly!
Sometimes, girls don't want help to fix their problems (I am pretty convinced that girls can fix their own logistic problems on their own), but they want their feelings resonating with someone else. They want someone to understand their feelings. We men communicate facts, girls communicate feelings.
A man that can understand his girl's feelings has a very valuable trait indeed  . |
Yes Wulfen. Right spot on!
Women sort out their thoughts while rambling. You may be surprised to find out that at the end of it all, we would become much clearer of the situation, feel much better and know what to do next! And we have the strength to do it because we already received enough love from you, just by listening and
validating our feelings.
Validating our feelings means you agree with how we feel, even though you may not truly understand. But just by saying them out (like what Wulfen quoted as examples) means you are feeling what we are feeling. To women, it is a form of support we get. This means a hella lot more than advice.
But, there are times when we need advice. So the best way is to ask her if she wants your advice or she just wants letting out. If she's confused she may not know.
The safest way is, before giving advice (sometimes we desperately need though) validate their feelings, then ask "if there's anything you can do to make them feel better?"
Then, when they say "yes, what do you think/suggest I should do?" Aha! Unleash all the advices pent up inside you and give it to them! We are susceptible to receive them then, because our feelings have been validated by the man we love!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alvin Is this the general gist of the difference between men & women? Would love to hear your thoughts.
@Wulfen, I second appreciating your posts. Very insightful
P.S. I rounded up some empathic listening techniques in my old Empathy Before Solutions post. |
Yup, this is how man and woman are wired up biologically. Men are task-oriented. They see things piece by piece. Women love to link everything up, that's why we connect and build relationships, while men solve problems as they are.
A man thinks: "If you don't want to solve the problem, then don't talk about it"
A woman thinks: "i need to talk about it so I can know if it's a problem to be solved/how to solve/what am I confused about/feel better"
Because of the way we are wired, you will feel the strong urge to help us, as you believe that will make us happier with your competencies. And you are happy that you have this ability to make your woman happy. But, many times, just a hug from you and telling us "Everything is gonna be ok, I'm always here for you" is the best miracle pill to make us happy and remove our sour feelings about the upsetting situation.
So don't worry that by not doing anything concrete (like giving advices) is inadequate. Sometimes your presence is more than enough. That's the power of love! Sweet?
