[Xin]

Just stumbled upon this small essay on nice guys and I'd like to hear some feminine thoughts on it. I think it represents what women want pretty accurately, but what do I know? I'm not one! :P

Nice guys have given a bad reputation to all of the "sweet" things men can typically do for a woman. Compliments, flowers: it has all been abused for too long. Too many men hand it all out like cheap candy, degrading the value of these things, and as a result women now see these things more often as being "cheesy" rather than attractive qualities. What doesn't help is the fact that, irregardless, women still insist they want a man that has the capacity to do thoughtful, wonderful things. This is a dangerous blend because sooner or later it will lead a nice guy to a point where he becomes angry with women. He starts to think all women are hypocrites. This is when Mr. Nice becomes Mr. Bitter-Sweet.

This puts Mr. Bitter-Sweet into the perfect state that will have him tumbling down the rabbit hole like Alice when he finally comes across the magical world of 'seduction gurus', most all of which will usually confirm that belief of hypocrisy for him. Many will even add that women simply don't know what they want. Of course, Mr. Bitter-Sweet buys into it because it feels good not to be wrong for a change. It feels good that someone actually understands what he's going through: the pain, the frustration, all of it. So he becomes hooked on all of the guru theory and tactics. He stops giving compliments and starts using "neg-hits". He stops buying flowers and starts "qualifying her".

In the meantime, women are still screaming, louder and louder, about how much they just want to meet a nice, fun guy who has the capacity to do thoughtful, wonderful things. This of course leads all of the nice guys who still haven't found the seduction community to just start pouring all of their sickly-sweetness on thick like molasses, which as you can hopefully see now is like throwing jet-fuel on a camp fire.

Good god. What a mess.

When you see other men using all of these 'seduction' tactics to get a woman in bed, it is seldom because they "get it". Most usually, these types of men are having sex because they are often unknowingly taking advantage of the fact that if a woman were to wait for a man to come along who truly gets it, she would practically never have sex herself. Usually, sex happens because she has other needs that must be met, not because he is a master seducer. This is why it seems some women will agree or at the very least seem to go along with these theories, yet continue to express a desire for qualities that seem to conflict with many of them. This why it seems another group of women will read the exact same stuff and call it crap, insisting that just being yourself is the way to go. It is why guru's see their results of this same exact stuff and think they have women all figured out. And it is the reason why every nice guy on the planet is all torn up, scratching his head not knowing who to believe.

All of this because of a simple misunderstanding.

The answer is not to pour on the sweetness. Likewise, it is not to stop buying flowers, to stop giving compliments, stop being so nice and start acting like a jerk. The answer is to understand when things such as a rose or a compliment will have a value; to know the rare quality that can be found in timing and circumstance. You must know the difference between simply doing it, and when you do it. Awkwardly handing a woman a rose on your first Match.com date together is completely different than bringing it to her on a silver platter with breakfast as she lays warm, content and happy in your big, soft bed on a beautiful Sunday morning. As obvious as this comparison can be, the mere fact that this difference virtually goes without discussion in the 'men's self-help with women' community is disturbing.

It is no wonder to me why men and women are so often at each other's throats instead of each other's arms.