[fawn]

First off let me say, hello, I'm new here, and i hope i can help, but first i need help.
I don't trust myself or my memory and the way i relfect my story is going to be different from what really happened but i'll do my best to be realistic.

When I was ten i had a girl who i wanted as a friend nad she became my friend, or rather she contacted each other and she spent a lot of time at my house. I wanted her as a friend because of her status. She was pretty damn horrible to me. I wish I could explain in detail what she said and did to me but i can't get any specifics through my head. There was a lot of lying though, a lot of bull shitting about drinking and pot and sex, she would use me by pushing me (this was half my fault for ageering to it) to buy things for her, she would constantly imply about how her other friends were better about how i behaved like a "social retard" she would ignor in me school around her other friends. I though she was soo cool. I had trouble getting other people to like me, there are serval reasons why, but i won't go into that. We grew apart when i turned eleven (we were in different classes), i became a loner. When i turned thirteen, fresh into highschool, she was in a lot of the same classes as me and we became "friends" again. There was bullshitting. I got badly bullied, some people called me a loser in front of class and no one did anything, she was in that class and she didn't do anything. i got mad at her after the inccedent and asked her why she didn't help, she basically yelled at me, blaming me for being bullied, the jist of what she said was obvioulsy i was acting weird, i deserved it. It's was like saying when if woman dresses a certain way she deseves to be raped. I felt like ************. I stopped talking. I just stopped.i kept it inside because i was just trying to be big, to move, that's what everyone says you should do, move on. I stayed in school for the rest of that year, running away into washroom so i could cry and really, really hating myself because i had no friends, because i reacted too much and because i was weird.One of the worst things i did was keep in contact with the girl.Half way through my fourteeth year of life, after my mom and sister started fighting i just quit school. I couldn't take it anymore, there's no point in going to hell when you live in it. When i turned fifteen my mother and i moved. In the new town i thought things would be different but what happened was that i was scared of talking to people, meeting people, i still takled to people and the same thing was happening again, i was being bullied, i quit after two weeks, i became afraid of school. The high of my summer was spent in a mental instatute and interestingly enough, right before i went my mother tried to stage an intervention. Which was stupid because i wasn't on drugs, it was three ************ing days before i left for that stupid insatution place and she got a group of adults together to say, "we care and your mother needs a break from you" three ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ days before. My mom liked to ************ with my mind. This year I'm living with my dad now and it's been better, i still don't talk with people much but i'm okay with spending time alone. I feel like i've missed out on a lot. But what exactly? Now I'm tring to go back to school full time next year but i'm afraid i'm in a cycle, where i attract people to abuse me, both in a board social setting (the bullying) and in "friendships".

I'm freaked out because I'm in a cycle that's not breaking quick enough. I kept telling myself that "i'm just going though my awkward teen years" but i'm almost an adult now and i feel pathetic.

What should i do about the people who have bullied me? I know i can move on, but the memories are cemented in my brain and i believe that i can do something, repair, overpower or contact them, to better heal myself, to help break the cycle of victemisation. Do anyone have expirence in this sort of thing that they can share? If you do give me advice, may i ask what you get from it (i don't mean to come off as snarky but it's been my past expirence that i should do as you do not as you say...)

should i write a letter about how they've hurt me? should i play victim or be assertive? should i try to get them to a see a couselor because they obvioulsy have problems...

should i do something really horrible like get naked pictures of them and post them all over the internet?

should i beat the crap out of them?

And what should i do about the basic bullying? Should i role play to be more "normal" and get more positive? Does anyone have any realistic, you can do this at home, advice?