Quote:
Originally Posted by moo  I can't accept it... |
Well, you
can, you're just choosing not to at the moment.
You're struggling against some powerful forces, Moo. First, as Shamou mentioned, the age-old unconscious evolutionary drive to attract the highest quality provider of sperm possible. Second, the incredibly strong pressure to conform to cultural standards of beauty -- that is especially strong if she's around 17, like you are. Third, there's the general urge for people to want to look good and avoid looking bad, so as to maximize their circumstances in life. Paying attention to your looks tends to land you better, higher paying jobs; people generally tend to like looking at attractive people (duh!) which would give you more of a pool of all kinds of opportunity to draw from; and nurturing your appearance is usually a pretty good indicator of positive spirits and a desire to meet and greet the world.
If you don't feel your values match up with hers, Moo, you should move on, because the relationship will never work. Why waste time? But I'd like to invite you to take another look at how you are judging Beauty as a negative value. Any value could be deemed to make people suffer, the way you're looking at it. For instance, what if I said valuing Joy causes people to suffer, because of the people who yearn for joy but don't feel it and therefore burn with jealousy? Or should I not value Vitality because there are people who are ill and are miserable? You see what I mean?
I'm not saying you need to hold Beauty as one of your highest values. But if your mate has a value that you are not willing to accept, then you are not giving your mate the freedom to be who she is. You don't have to share it, but if you don't allow her the freedom to hold her own values, she will squirm and rebel under your attempt to deprive her of that freedom. The problem is that no one's values are going to match up 100% with yours 100% of the time, and you will be faced with this issue until you realize that's an opportunity for growth, not a reason to suffer.
You would be a good boyfriend to assure her often that in your eyes, her beauty lies far deeper than any cosmetics or clothing -- that you treasure the beauty of who she is, at her core; and also that you find her physically gorgeous and irresistible without any trimmings.
But all of that would be a very hypocritical lie if you are not willing to accept her as she is, including the ways she is different from you.
Be generous, Moo. Allow her the freedom to be who she is, whether you stay with her or not!
(was that long and elaborate enough for you?
)