 Demented Thought Awareness and Dissociation
As I write this, I suppose I'm totally dissociated from what's going on - in what the Buddhists call the walking sleep - and it's where I reside almost all the time. I'm posting this because I'm concerned: last night I had a conversation with a friend for three or four hours about everything: why we're here, what we can do, what the point is, how we all just die and our consciousness becomes as if it never were, how badly people suffer, how we are trapped in our lives and we ride the waves in hope of freedom that for the vast majority of people never comes - why? We don't know, but for some reason, we go on, sometimes we're happy, sometimes sad, and sometimes we choose not to go on. I may be the only consciousness, and I will never know that that's not the case and escape that universal loneliness. But the actual conversation I had was getting much past these basic points, asking the deepest questions that you all can just read and go "yeah, those philosophy 101 pseudozen points." The problem is that when I think like that I feel nothing, dissociated from the moment, totally as if the part of me realizing these absolute truths (or the absolute unaswerable questions - but not just the basic questions, the extent to how profound they are and how our evolutionary history has had us adapt to be unable to realize the extent of what's going on, because 100,000 years ago, the humanoid that thought too much about the "why" killed itself or went off in the forrest alone to meditate and didn't breed) is separate from the observer and I feel nothing. It was scaring me. I wanted to cry deeply and I couldn't; I felt, even feel now, like a machine that just thinks these things and doesn't know why. Why is it that when I can intellectually realize exactly what's going on to the absolute highest level we humans can understand it (which really just means unanswerable questions) I can't feel that but just dissociation?
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