[Illuminatus]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

I will try and keep things short. Basically in the last few years I got into self improvement just basic affirmations at first mainly to combat my low self esteem and self image which were poor.

Affirmations SUCK -- telling yourself a bunch of lies not even you believe. Better to work with reality instead of delusion.

Affirmation worldview: "I'm a dork I will tell myself I'm GREAT instead and hope I believe it"

Acceptance/equanimity worldview: "I'm a dork. So what? I'm going to do my thing and be a dork anyway! " (that makes you not a dork because you are accepting yourself and having fun with it, better known as being yourself, which is eminently more attractive to others than fakery).

I started to notice after a while I really did start feeling great and more alive and I was even finding women flirting with me and hitting on me for no apparent reason which never used to happen previously I became more sociable etc.

You gave yourself permission to feel good, then attributed feeling good to the affirmations. Giving yourself permission to feel good was the important factor however. Read this for more information: Feeling Good: Tying it all together

However for some reason I started to delve into Spirtuality and meditation at first it was just Hypnosis MP3's on my Ipod which put me into a meditation state. Then I started trying basic meditation while listening to music. I remember feeling very overwelmed with emotion listening to a certain song and I felt a very brief feeling of energy shoot up my back. It felt odd to say the least. I don't really believe in a lot of this New Age stuff but apparently it may of been Kundalini energy I felt. At this time I started to notice I was much clearer in my mind and I felt great at first.

Permission to feel good again. I recommend ignoring kundalini and all that egoic ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, and instead just watching thoughts and emotions with non-judgment (the original Buddha meditation). I write more about this here, and I really think you should check it out as it seems relevant to what you're experiencing: Two enormous meditation mistakes I had been making

However I don't know when I noticed it but it was becoming apparent over time that I had a feeling of emptyness in me emotionally I felt detached from my thinking and thoughts It felt hard to feel much emotion at all. I later heard of Eckhart Tolle and it freaked me out from listening to his material that I may of put myself in a permanent "being" or "now" state of pure prescence. I feel like I am not 100% with it most of the time during the day. Almost like I am walking around in a daze with no thoughts. It's like my thoughts have lost their substance. Even If I do think it's hard to daydream anymore (I honestly can't remember the last time I had a daydream) and when I do have thoughts I just feel blank emotionally. Whether I think something positive or negative this seems to have no real affect on my state emotionally. Why? I don't know but it really concerns me and I doubt I have slowly turned into a Psychopath.

I think you have been suppressing thoughts rather than allowing them to arise and seeing through them. This suppression does indeed leave you feeling cloudy and dead inside. I write about this here: Two enormous meditation mistakes I had been making (same link as I just posted)

This is becoming a frustrating state to be in and I feel "stuck" like this one theory I have is perhaps I accidentely put myself in a Hypnosis state and my conscious mind slowed down/ feel asleep. I have been considering suicide because I feel so numb, dull and blank emotionally. Trust me this isn't depression I have been in that state before this is something else entirely. I am finding it very difficult to relate to others socially more than before because of being so numb and most of the time I feel at a loss of what to say to people. I seem incapable of feeling the emotions I once could such as anger, joy, excitement (which I miss the most), jeasously, depression etc. The only emotion I seem to really feel theese days is laughter. Okay at times my mind drove me mad and sometimes the negative thoughts made me miserable but now I feel so blank it's scary I barely feel human anymore if this is "Enlightenment" I don't want it I would rather be dead. What is the point of even continuing to live If I can no longer seem to really feel anything?

Has anyone, anyone at all been through this?

Thanks

This all sounds like suppression of thoughts and emotions. I think, like me, you misinterpreted the goal of meditation as being to walk around with no thoughts and emotions, as a blank slate really, and that is what you are now experiencing. And yes it is a dreary, self-imposed state to live in. The good news is that you can allow yourself to feel again by removing the suppression. The link again where I talk about this: Two enormous meditation mistakes I had been making