I don't know WHAT it is. I've been substantially making progress and coming to terms with many past issues etc over the last few months. I was starting to think, this might just be the turning point of my life! I thought I'm finally starting to walk on The Path.
I left a relationship that was no longer serving me, I quit smoking and drinking alcohol, I'm working to change my diet, I've done significant amount of progress in my high magick studies, academically also, things were starting to look up, my relationship with my parents has never been better and I was truly happy. So happy that I wanted to share it with the whole world, and I was so grateful that I got my act together and never gave up. I would've missed all of the fun that I was having.
But today, for no apparent reason all of my energy seemed like it was sapped out. It started with irrational feelings of anxiety, then some bouts of sadness, then I just wanted to sit and watch tv, but that made me restless too. So I thought I'll lie down. But no matter what I did, I felt like something wasn't right.
Then came hours of introspective thoughts about how futile life seems, how there is no hope for me, suicidal thoughts started creeping in again. And I hit rock bottom.
What I don't get is that, I thought this phase was OVER. I thought I figured what I had to do and working towards it was going to be enough. I thought I did a lot of 'psychoanalyzing' and soul searching enough for 20 lifetimes. None of these emotions feel like are in my control. I feel awful currently.
And I DID see a doctor half a year back, he diagnosed me as bipolar and although I was and still am skeptical about it(He asked me some routine questions, and concluded I'm bipolar because my Mom is too) I'm still taking the meds(Not very promptly though
).
So yeah,I'd like just a little help in trying to figure out what I'm supposed to make of this whole situation. Right now I feel so low that I don't have the remotest hope I can pick myself up again.(My rational mind says that, that's not true, there always IS hope. But these emotions are so overwhelming that I can't reason and get out of it) These falls are getting too hard on me. I work so hard and come so far and BANG! I'm back to downer town again.
Yelp!