Let me tell you that I am not remembering my past very good. Actually I remember it in tiny tiny pieces without any emotional content.
I will try my best to descriebe what was happening during trauma and I will add some details before trauma too.
Me and my friends was smoking some weed in the nature.
We talked about life and stuff , laugh a lot too
Then from some reason I just started to meditate , I don't know why, I was relaxing deeper and deeper.
More and more I got relaxed, more and more I got egoic thoughts towards my friends , thinking about how much he hurt me and how many times. And then I looked pity at him, laughing inside of my mind , saying : you are piece of trash, I am smarter than you , handsomer than you , bla bla..
Those thoughts were totallly UN me , but I honored them in some way.. I really regret that.
Well after sometime , my mind stopped still. ( I was still meditating )
My chemichals in my brains changed shape ( I could and can hear them )
Suddenly I appeared In the " chamber of my soul " where I meet my other Self, or higher self , I dont know.
When I looked into his eyes I felt very blissfull and loved.
But this lasted only for few secounds, after that look a wooden cage appeared from nowhere and sealed me within. I felt how my inner connections were cut of immidiatley, striped away from my hearth.
I experienced immense fear and panic. I also experienced feelings that I couldn't resolve. They were totally diffrent, totally EVIL , I never felt anything like this before. I cried out to my friend that I want to go home so he took me home. It was around 9 PM then. I went to bed immidietly, crying till I fell asleep.
Next morning I woke up.. As I opened my eyes I was crying, I didn't know why at first ( I was sleepy ). But then I recognized. I was cut off from my essence. I couldn't think , feel , remember. Nothing. I felt massive ammout of pain inside of my hearth. I knew that this is real, this is no after stoned state. This was diffrent.
For next 2 weeks my energy decreassed more and more. With new day when I woke up I felt like Died over and over. But unfortennly I was still alive..
Every new day I felt emptiness in my hearth and my mind. My self was gone. I couldnt do a thing to Retrieve back my essential self nor myself.
After 2 months this emptiness faded away too. I was totally emotionless.
Those memories are just pieces, I almost dont remember anything from that day on and even beyond ( past ).
I hope I wrote this understandable, I m sorry if its confuseful.
I also had unwanted sex relationship few days before trauma, after that damn thing everything changed, but not essential.
Trauma took away everything.
Love and Bliss