Originally Posted by Wombels
I’m not sure if I understand you right, but from what I read, you are now fully disconnected from the person you used to be 9 months ago, I’m not sure which trauma you have lived (experienced), but I assume something took place which literally blew out the flame in your heart.
So I guess now you are lacking spontaneity whilst amongst friends and loved ones, while you see everything around you like if you were watching a bad movie, since you don’t really feel being a part of it all any longer.
Since you are considering to take medication I assume you are caught inside a depression too.
I can also figure out, you are not in denial of your actual state of being, which is very positive!
The fact you are very young is positive too, do know, nothing is lost!
The main reason why you are just sitting while meditating is probably
because you are lingering in a low vibration.
Do know, you are not dealing with a problem, rather a situation which you can and will overcome.
Shamans are cool but if they are not at hand, you will need to rely upon your own for the time being.
I ignore the nature of your trauma, have you ever considered to write down in detail what you have experienced?
In many cases this can cause/help the healing process to recover from it. It might be very painful having to go through your mind in order to recall all which has taken place, but it can possibly free you from which is affecting you.
If you would like to know how, I will be more than willing to help you around.
Hope this made some sense!
Let me tell you that I am not remembering my past very good. Actually I remember it in tiny tiny pieces without any emotional content.
I will try my best to descriebe what was happening during trauma and I will add some details before trauma too.
Me and my friends was smoking some weed in the nature.
We talked about life and stuff , laugh a lot too
Then from some reason I just started to meditate , I don't know why, I was relaxing deeper and deeper.
More and more I got relaxed, more and more I got egoic thoughts towards my friends , thinking about how much he hurt me and how many times. And then I looked pity at him, laughing inside of my mind , saying : you are piece of trash, I am smarter than you , handsomer than you , bla bla..
Those thoughts were totallly UN me , but I honored them in some way.. I really regret that.
Well after sometime , my mind stopped still. ( I was still meditating )
My chemichals in my brains changed shape ( I could and can hear them )
Suddenly I appeared In the " chamber of my soul " where I meet my other Self, or higher self , I dont know.
When I looked into his eyes I felt very blissfull and loved.
But this lasted only for few secounds, after that look a wooden cage appeared from nowhere and sealed me within. I felt how my inner connections were cut of immidiatley, striped away from my hearth.
I experienced immense fear and panic. I also experienced feelings that I couldn't resolve. They were totally diffrent, totally EVIL , I never felt anything like this before. I cried out to my friend that I want to go home so he took me home. It was around 9 PM then. I went to bed immidietly, crying till I fell asleep.
Next morning I woke up.. As I opened my eyes I was crying, I didn't know why at first ( I was sleepy ). But then I recognized. I was cut off from my essence. I couldn't think , feel , remember. Nothing. I felt massive ammout of pain inside of my hearth. I knew that this is real, this is no after stoned state. This was diffrent.
For next 2 weeks my energy decreassed more and more. With new day when I woke up I felt like Died over and over. But unfortennly I was still alive..
Every new day I felt emptiness in my hearth and my mind. My self was gone. I couldnt do a thing to Retrieve back my essential self nor myself.
After 2 months this emptiness faded away too. I was totally emotionless.
Those memories are just pieces, I almost dont remember anything from that day on and even beyond ( past ).
I hope I wrote this understandable, I m sorry if its confuseful.
I also had unwanted sex relationship few days before trauma, after that damn thing everything changed, but not essential.
Trauma took away everything.
Love and Bliss