[padme]

Hello! I'm padme. I hope it's okay for me to make my first post here rather than in the intro section. I will admit that I've been somewhat of a lurker in these forums for awhile. I decided to shed my lurker status only because of some recent events involving my job and the fact that while I am currently seeing a counselor, it doesn't seem to be doing me any good.

I guess I should start at the beginning and try my best to describe just how I got myself into such a "mess" in the first place.

I don't remember having a happy childhood. There was no sexual, drug, alcohol, or physical abuse in the home (I know many who wish they were so lucky) but feel like my father was slightly abusive verbally. I wouldn't say that my parents were neglectful but there were hardly ever around because they were working their asses off to feed the family, get a nice house in a beautiful neighborhood, and give me the best education, healthcare, and everything else that their money could afford. It all sounds great but that's where it ends.

Ever since kindergarten I was always painfully shy and cried easily. Before that I was a brash, loud-mouthed girl who wouldn't let anyone push her around - or at least that is what I was told. In elementary school I was the gifted but shy crybaby who hardly had any friends and even less confidence. In middle and high school things remained mostly the same but I had more friends and an almost perfect academic record. I didn't date or hang out like everyone else did and I felt like a loser because of it. I consoled myself with playing music (flute and violin), learning Japanese and German, reading books, and studying my ass off by completing my assignments early while the rest of the class wound up five chapters behind. Despite all this, I still called myself a loser. I was sent to therapists and given pills that did nothing but give me headaches. My dad took me off them and I "crashed". My mother then died of breast cancer. I stopped eating. I was made fun of for my looks and for being too thin, as well as for crying. I was so busy trying to look good academically that I didn't take the time to think about what I wanted to do with my life. When senior year pounced on me, I freaked out and picked chemistry pre-medicine as my major. Next thing I knew I was off to Xavier University in NO.

Things got a little better before they got worse. I got dates (finally, men were paying attention to me!) but my grades suffered. Men tried to use me and abuse me - some of them succeeded. I changed my major to just plain chemistry to get out of having to take a biology class. I realized I didn't want to be a doctor. I hated biology. I was surprised to graduate from college on time (4 years) with a pathetic 2.7 GPA. I kissed the opportunity of graduate school goodbye. I worked as a lab technician at XU until Katrina and Rita hit, wallowed in depression from that point on until January where I went back to XU and discovered that my so-called friends were not who I thought they were. They abandoned me, although some might say I drove them away. In May of last year I left NO because I didn't feel safe and sat around the house while my friends called me names and told me to "get a job". I finally got off my ass in September when all of my money ran out and I've been working at a lockbox ever since.

My life right now is eat, sleep, work, go to therapy, play video games, have an occasional bad date or two, meet a person who seems like they could be a good friend until they start verbally abusing me and I have to drive them off, repeat. I have no goals, no life, and a diploma catching dust, reminding me of four years I wasted, taking up a seat for some other poor soul out there who would have put himself to better use.

As you can probably tell by now, I am extremely depressed. What makes it even worse is that I recently decided all of my friends and family were worth less than garbage and cut them all off. I cut my co-workers off as well. They don't like me anymore and called me rude to my face, which is what happened today. I cut off these people because they were abusive to me, picking on me for those same stupid things that I've had trouble with all these years. To them, I can't do anything right. I'm too shy, I'm too short, I'm too thin, I'm too ugly, my lips aren't "normal", I talk like a "white girl", I'm not "black enough", I'm too light-skinned, I frown all the time, I have a bad attitude, I'm a "♥♥♥♥♥", I have bad skin, I have "nappy" hair, I'm 24 years old and have never experienced true love, I've never had a real boyfriend, I dress like a child, I do that, etc., etc. I got sick of it and started pretending people didn't exist. They didn't like that and so they treated me even worse.

It's all about to drive me insane but "they" tell me I am delusional. They tell me they speak the truth only to help me and that it's no wonder people call me bi-polar. It's like a stupid "catch-all" term to describe people who have really bad days.....all the time.

Is it really all just me? Am I the one making my relations with others go bad? Am I just hurting myself and allowing others to do the same? I know it sounds terrible, but I want to call myself the victim here.

As a result of all of this, I have issues with men, women, my father, my distant family, the friends who abandoned me, black people in general, my own identity as an American black woman and the fact that because of my looks, my background, and how I was raised, that I am automatically deemed unnacceptable anywhere. even by my own "people."

I hate the world but most of all I hate myself.