Originally Posted by AdoptedOne
Hi everyone. I wanted to post something and I am hoping at least someone here can relate. Someone who knows what I have been experiening. It is frustrating that I find very few who seem to have this problem. Most signs point towards depression but it doesn't seem to feel like it. More profound emptyness and apathy if anything.
I will try and keep things short. Basically in the last few years I got into self improvement just basic affirmations at first mainly to combat my low self esteem and self image which were poor. I started to notice after a while I really did start feeling great and more alive and I was even finding women flirting with me and hitting on me for no apparent reason which never used to happen previously I became more sociable etc.
However for some reason I started to delve into Spirtuality and meditation at first it was just Hypnosis MP3's on my Ipod which put me into a meditation state. Then I started trying basic meditation while listening to music. I remember feeling very overwelmed with emotion listening to a certain song and I felt a very brief feeling of energy shoot up my back. It felt odd to say the least. I don't really believe in a lot of this New Age stuff but apparently it may of been Kundalini energy I felt. At this time I started to notice I was much clearer in my mind and I felt great at first. However I don't know when I noticed it but it was becoming apparent over time that I had a feeling of emptyness in me emotionally I felt detached from my thinking and thoughts It felt hard to feel much emotion at all. I later heard of Eckhart Tolle and it freaked me out from listening to his material that I may of put myself in a permanent "being" or "now" state of pure prescence. I feel like I am not 100% with it most of the time during the day. Almost like I am walking around in a daze with no thoughts. It's like my thoughts have lost their substance. Even If I do think it's hard to daydream anymore (I honestly can't remember the last time I had a daydream) and when I do have thoughts I just feel blank emotionally. Whether I think something positive or negative this seems to have no real affect on my state emotionally. Why? I don't know but it really concerns me and I doubt I have slowly turned into a Psychopath.
This is becoming a frustrating state to be in and I feel "stuck" like this one theory I have is perhaps I accidentely put myself in a Hypnosis state and my conscious mind slowed down/ feel asleep. I have been considering suicide because I feel so numb, dull and blank emotionally. Trust me this isn't depression I have been in that state before this is something else entirely. I am finding it very difficult to relate to others socially more than before because of being so numb and most of the time I feel at a loss of what to say to people. I seem incapable of feeling the emotions I once could such as anger, joy, excitement (which I miss the most), jeasously, depression etc. The only emotion I seem to really feel theese days is laughter. Okay at times my mind drove me mad and sometimes the negative thoughts made me miserable but now I feel so blank it's scary I barely feel human anymore if this is "Enlightenment" I don't want it I would rather be dead. What is the point of even continuing to live If I can no longer seem to really feel anything?
Has anyone, anyone at all been through this?
I have actually had much the same thing happen to me. I used to meditate everyday for a period of about several months. I used CDs that were supposed to dramatically quicken the rate that you achieve results.
Anyway, at first things seemed to be going great. It felt like I could watch my thoughts and control them better.
Therefore, I no longer had the negative thoughts I used to. If I did, I could catch them much faster.
This makes sense, since one of becoming more self aware-controlling your thoughts more. However, the next stage-realizing nothing has any meaning-was where I started to lose my feelings.
This is actually what’s supposed to happen. At first things are great because you start becoming aware of how your thoughts create reality. Then, you realize that reality doesn’t matter-it’s all how you perceive it.
It is pretty hard to feel joy if you know that nothing really means anything. I soon found that all the things I had wanted so badly… money, girlfriend, etc-really meant NOTHING.
It was funny, because the initial reason I had started meditating was so I could control my thoughts and get more positive outcomes. However, now I realized there was no such thing as positive outcomes.
This was pretty depressing, and it is at this point that I started losing my zeal for life. I really missed being able to feel joy when something good happened.
My experience was slightly different from yours, because I didn’t necessarily feel “detached from my thoughts”. It was more the knowledge that my thoughts didn’t really matter in the first place.
When you think about it, that is exactly what is supposed to happen. Since the goal of enlightenment is to realize that life has no meaning and that we are simply at one with everything, it is kind of hard to really feel any excitement or joy anymore. After all, you know you are just creating the feeling by attaching a false meaning to something.
The truth is, there really are three theories to the origins of the earth, and only one of them can give you meaning, and thus joy and excitement.
One is evolution, where the earth started with a big bang. In this case we only get one life, and then cease to exist. Spirituality of any sort does not exist.
Two, it happened because “god” or a ball of energy, created the earth and we are all a part of that energy. In this scenario, our ultimate goal is to realize we are actually “god” because we are a part of the energy source. Most people here seem to subscribe to that theory.
The last one is that there is a personal God who created this earth and put us here for a reason. That’s the only one that gives life any meaning.
If you really want your life to mean something, you have to believe in a personal God. Otherwise, you just have to attach a fake meaning to something to artificially give yourself joy and excitement.
Obviously I’m not suggesting you just blindly start believing in God to delude yourself into thinking that life has meaning. I’m suggesting that you investigate whether God really exists.
I know I’m going to get tarred and feathered being one of the few Christians here, but my suggestion is to come to Jesus. That’s what I did, and I can honestly say I have never been happier-ever. He’s truly fixed my life.
I’m not going to go into the reasons I know believe in Him. However, I did thoroughly investigate it and come to that conclusion after intensely investigating the evidence.
In other words, I didn’t just believe in Him because I wanted Him to be true, or because I was afraid of Hell. I almost wanted Hell to be real, just so it would give life some sort of purpose.
The bottom line is, all I know is that Jesus changed my life. My life is now full of meaning, and I cannot describe to you the joy I get whenever I’m in His presence.
I firmly believe that accepting He is real and the only way to salvation is the only way you can ever feel joy or excitement again. I know He has changed my life.