[JohnPlace]

Originally Posted by Michelle

A few days ago I wrote briefly concerning my father and growing up Catholic on my blog. Needless to say, my father read it and wrote me an angry email last night. He feels my childhood was full of love, joy and support. He blamed me for never wanting to follow the rules, and for going my own way. He claimed I was a child who was disobedient and used both him and my mother to get what I want.

Parenting 101: When your child expresses unhappiness with the way they were raised, do not lash out. Lashing out only encourages the child to further alienate herself from the family.

Instead, your father would have been better served if he had used this as an opportunity to open a dialog with you about your childhood experiences.

One word of caution: Dialogues are a two-way street. As a child, you cannot fully appreciate the situation your parents were in when they raised you. No parent is perfect. So, in other words, dialog works best if both parent and "mature" child are willing to listen and understand.

Based on what you've told me thus far, I'm not optimistic about your father's willingness or capability to participate in a two-way dialog, but it's worth a shot. (One of the reasons I have reservations is because your father seems willing to blame a minor child for manipulating adult parents, which seems the height of insecurity).

Perhaps your father suffers from the same feelings of inadequacy you suffer from.

We all want our parents to accept and love us as we are, but you cannot afford to rely on that acceptance. You must learn to be happy without it.

Now, while not everything in my childhood was bad or painful, I was most certainly a generally lonely and unhappy child beginning from around the age of 6 (the time of my parents' divorce). My truth concerning that time of my life has nothing to do with joy.

My parents divorced when I was 7. As a result, I was caught in the Web of Family court, visitation, heated arguments, etc. It was not easy for me. So I can empathize with your pain.

Has anyone been through this or have any thoughts? How can I remain true to myself without causing unnecessary pain to those who may simply not be able to face the truth?

Colm was correct when he said, "no matter how you were raised, sooner or later you have to take responsibility for who you are."

And I also agree with Matthew that it's best to sort this out with your father in person, face to face.

But as I mentioned previously, the dialog *must* be two-way in order to work. In other words, you must be willing to listen to him, and he must be willing to listen to you. Blaming your father for the person you have become is not helpful to you or to him. While it is true that a mutal understanding between you and your father may provide catharsis, you have to be open to the possibility that mutual understanding is something you may never have. And you cannot let that hold you back from living the life you were meant to live.