Maybe it's time for you to research into limiting beliefs. You may have done it before but you sound like you are creating your own. Some limiting beliefs serve us while others hinder us. The trick is to rid yourself of the ones that do harm and keep the ones that assist. As long as you believe that you will stay numb, you will. Your subconscious is picking up on that belief and until you convince it otherwise, you will continue to feel that way.
So, my suggestion is to read up on limiting beliefs and the subconscious mind and see where that leads you.