 Seeking advice--Fear and annoyance
I'm looking for advice on dealing with fear and annoyance/anger. My fear is rooted, I believe, in a deep-seated expectation of being excellent. I consider myself a good deal more intelligent than the average person (which is something that was reinforced in me through schooling) and find myself wary of situations in which I may look or feel foolish. I hesitate to ask questions of my boss or go into new social situations. This is coupled with general discomfort in conversation unless the topic is business oriented. My social skills are probably stunted because of this fear, though it may just be that my perception is skewed by the fear. As a student, I often find myself not writing papers until past the deadline, and dreading every line because it sounds simple, unintelligent, or lacking in substance or quality. I avoid parties unless I know most of the people involved, and even then I hesitate to go. The fear and awkwardness are beginning to severly impact my life. Has anyone else dealt with a problem like this? If so, what concrete steps helped? The mental steps (e.g. "accept that it is okay not to be perfect") have failed miserably.
In addition, I've begun getting annoyed and angry more and more easily, especially at my fiancee. She often places more stress in simple situations than it seems is necessary, and my reactions aren't calm. Before I met her (and back when I used to abuse controlled substances) I was a very chill, relaxed person. Lately, I'm feeling more and more stressed even when there's little to no workload. The annoyance has spread into negative thoughts, including a sudden surge of racism that bothers me. I love this girl to death, and when times are good, they're great. But this lack of focus and center bothers me. What is possibly more disturbing is that I see many positive effects of annoyance and anger, and have begun contemplating whether the power it provides is worth the discomfort and negativity it causes.
In general, I'm just seeking advice from any very zen, focused people who have been through similar situations.  |