I was 16 when I became a parent in the 60's. I now have four adult children and I know how hard I worked for my children. I know how many sacrifices I made for them. My life, basically. I really believed I had given them a happy childhood. I felt close to all of them.
After they all 'left the nest' so to speak, it was my turn. I left my unhappy marriage of 26yrs and went to uni.
Then the unthinkable happened, I fell to pieces and needed help badly for the 1st time in my life. The biggest family fued ensued and I saw my children as selfish, uncaring and so judgemental. I had never seen this before. I was going crazy. I lost them all. I could not understand what was going on. I was being the scapegoat. It was dreadful.
After a while my youngest daughter, around 30yrs old, got back in touch. I still saw the selfishness etc. but I wasn't going to lose her again. I gave her what she wanted but I listened intently. I asked questions. I saw her vulnerability that I hadn't seen before. I saw her struggle. I saw her confusion and unhappiness. Oh, this was hurting me. What had happened to my child?
Little by little the truth appeared. The truth of their childhoods. Not my perception, but the truth. There had been so much abuse going on that I was totally unaware of. They had all kept secrets believing that I already knew. I too believed I knew everything that was going on in my home.
I was shocked but I knew it was true. It threw me into despair. It broke my heart. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I now understand. I was responsible for these children. I was living in a different world to them. There was an underworld that I wasn't privy to and I should have been. Unawareness hey? What you don't know does hurt you.
Have pity on your parents. It isn't that we don't want the truth from you but for us to take that failure on the chin is devastating. Be strong and accept that which you cannot change. Don't give way to blame and judgement of your parents. We can only know what we know and it is your task to become more understanding through your own suffering. Bless us all.
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Originally Posted by Michelle  I have had a strained relationship with my parents ever since I was a young girl. In the last few years, we have had virtually no contact. Basically, my childhood was an unhappy time.
A few days ago I wrote briefly concerning my father and growing up Catholic on my blog. Needless to say, my father read it and wrote me an angry email last night. He feels my childhood was full of love, joy and support. He blamed me for never wanting to follow the rules, and for going my own way. He claimed I was a child who was disobedient and used both him and my mother to get what I want.
Now, while not everything in my childhood was bad or painful, I was most certainly a generally lonely and unhappy child beginning from around the age of 6 (the time of my parents' divorce). My truth concerning that time of my life has nothing to do with joy.
Anyway, it is not my wish to cause anyone pain - including the people who may have caused me pain. Yet I wish to feel free in speaking my truth simply because anything else would be denial or a lie. And I feel my having come so far out of those experiences as I have could be of benefit to others ...
Has anyone been through this or have any thoughts? How can I remain true to myself without causing unnecessary pain to those who may simply not be able to face the truth? |