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Originally Posted by uberinquisitive  That doesn't change the fact that there was a very deep love.
*snip*
However, I have days when I am simply overwhelmed. There has been so much change, so quickly. I'm sometimes overwhelmed with fear, especially because I don't even have myself anymore. The girl I was was basically murdered when he killed himself. The new me, I don't know her. And, I mourn and miss who I was.
*snip*
I am so angry that I had no control over my life. I am so hurt that someone I loved did something so horrendous. I loathe myself for allowing myself to be victimized in life (he was emotionally negligent, to the point of abuse). I sometimes wish he had been obviously abusive, like hit me. I sometimes wish he had killed me instead of himself.
*snip*
I'm so afraid, because right now, all I want to do is protect myself from further pain and trauma. Even a little pain feels agonizing, because my skin has been torn off. And yet, if I protect myself, I miss out on life. I'm sort of at a loss. |
You know a little of my situation...and that I am probably not in a place to offer much advice, but I do want you to know I am here. I am listening and thinking of you. I am intending great strength and insight for you as you deal with everything that's happened.
Losing my boyfriend to a breakup cannot compare with the trauma you faced, but so many of the things you are saying ring true for our relationship as well. I too felt I lost myself. I made so many changes hoping they would make him love me more, make him stay. On this end of it, I feel like a stranger to myself...even he said I changed from when we were friends.
I have also often wished he would have just outright hit me or flaunted his sleeping around in my face so I would have a clear cut sign to tell him to F off, but really, I probably still wouldn't have because I was co-dependent as well. I also wished sometimes that he would have died, because I thought then I could just grieve and not have to have him constantly back and forth in my life, but I am humbled by your story to realize that's not the way it works.
Fear can sometimes debilitate you to the point you are not living. I can't imagine the pain you feel as I feel so raw right now and have had a much easier time. But between the pain of living and the pain of not living, I choose living. I have many times thought it's too much, I will shut myself off, but there is no chance for joy in that. I know you have the strength in you to keep going. You are writing your smart but slutty e-books (do tell more
) and you know that you have work to do and things to learn through this experience. It's horrible in a way to have to go through something like this, but if it helps you forgive and release all of those past abuses and pains, you will be so much lighter for it.
In another thread, Groundless wrote the following. I think it might be appropriate for you too.
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Pema Chodron in "When things fall apart" in the chapter titled "This very moment is the perfect teacher" wrote:
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Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news. But for practitioners or spiritual warriors-people who have a certain hunger to know what is true-feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we are holding back. They teach us to perk up and LEAN IN {my emphasis} (to the pain) when we'd rather collapse and back away. They are like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we go.
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That book may be a good read for you. I would also recommend The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and any books by Byron Katie. Keep going with EFT as you said it's helped you.
Love and peace to you.