[uberinquisitive]

As I've posted before, the man I was going to marry killed himself about 4 months ago. His actual death is the least of my hurt.

We had a very unhappy 2 year relationship. It started as an affair (he was my married boss), but towards the end he left his wife for me. However, by then, I was very fed up with everything: the lying, the manipulation, the ambivalence. He was a dry drunk, and I was co-dependent. We were a total mess.

That doesn't change the fact that there was a very deep love. Part of that love, no doubt, was the fact that we were more than just lovers. Despite my being 28, and him being 50, I played a strong mother role, to the point where it may seem freaky to many of you.

And of course, I have a strong daddy complex (my father more or less ignored and abandoned me). Which I was trying to resolve through my boyfriend.

He killed himself hours after I ended the relationship. His last words were "I wish I had never met you." I was the last person to speak to him.

Because of our lack of boundaries, I lost my lover, my child, my daddy, my boss - all rolled into one. And, of course there is guilt. This is the most devastating event of my life. I am not the same person. I skipped from age 28 to age 82.

EFT has helped tremendously. And, I've been going to support groups, as well as reading books, and improving myself in general.

I've started to pursue my real dream, which is to write smart but slutty e-books. I'm even taking writing classes.

I'm dating again.

I'm mending old relationships with family. I am making new friends.

However, I have days when I am simply overwhelmed. There has been so much change, so quickly. I'm sometimes overwhelmed with fear, especially because I don't even have myself anymore. The girl I was was basically murdered when he killed himself. The new me, I don't know her. And, I mourn and miss who I was.

I am so angry that I had no control over my life. I am so hurt that someone I loved did something so horrendous. I loathe myself for allowing myself to be victimized in life (he was emotionally negligent, to the point of abuse). I sometimes wish he had been obviously abusive, like hit me. I sometimes wish he had killed me instead of himself.

I'm so afraid, because right now, all I want to do is protect myself from further pain and trauma. Even a little pain feels agonizing, because my skin has been torn off. And yet, if I protect myself, I miss out on life. I'm sort of at a loss.

I'd appreciate any words of wisdom, especially from members who are older, or who have also gone through trauma.