First of all I want to thank everyone for the advice given here. I read the following thread: http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/s...t-biggies.html
To be honest after reading it I feel worse.
I honestly wonder if anyone here is in a constant state of prescence I mean truly? I believe I am in a constant state of "now" and I think it has a lot of downsides which causes me problems.
Okay where to start? I have no thoughts anymore at least automatic thoughts. Believe it or not I can and have gone through most of day without a single thought coming up in my mind. I feel detached from my thinking I can't FEEL my thoughts which results in me feeling pretty much nothing all the time. Numb. I feel emotionally dead 24/7 of course I act normally and interact but again I feel nothing inside. How can this state of mind be good? I can't feel normal emotions that make us human I can't daydream I can't feel anger, joy, sadness even boredom anymore.
Let's start with work I have stared to notice I make a lot of mistakes doing simple tasks. I seem to only be able to focus on one thing successfully at a time so I forget to do basic things to be honest I often feel I need to be told what to do like I can't think for myself at times. Some may call this lacking "common sense". To be honest I always had some specific learning difficulties on the milder end of the spectrum but it seems my memory especially short term/working memory is worse than ever I forget things instantly I can't multi task well at all. Another thing is the days can REALLY drag because I have no concept of time seriously just a 6 hour shift can feel like a whole day.
Socially well okay I have always found making friends and relating to peers somewhat hard but something seems off when interacting with others. I try and get to know others, get them to talk about themselves etc. They rarely ask me about me which gives me the impression they don't really like me.
Straight up I feel braindead and I worry I may fall into Dementia in the future I suppose I always was a slightly less able than others because I was diagnosed when I was younger with special needs. You probably wouldn't know it though because I look pretty normal but others over time pick up I am different.
What concerns me is I will forever be stuck like this, in the "now" with no concept of time no real feelings or opinions on anything, just excisting for the rest of my life emotionless and dull.
I wonder if all the questioning of myself, reality the world etc overwelmed my mind and it "cracked" or shutdown under the realizations I had. I do wish I could go back to old state but I have already been "stuck" like this in a partial daze/trance awareness state for almost a year.
I seriously question if those who say they are in a state of "prescence" all the time truly are because I would of thought overtime the emotional dullness and lack of feeling anything at all during any sitation would disturb the person and get to them eventually psycholigically. I have considered suicide even though I know it's a cowards way out but when I can't feel anything, nothing at all like before not because I try not to feel but because I litterally can't feel period. Then what is really the point in living? I mean my Grandad recently passed away and again I felt absolutely nothing at all when I first heard the news and even during the actual funeral itself.
I can't think of anything worse than being able to feel nothing all the time, all day.