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Originally Posted by Medea33  You really can't have it both ways. Either his partner used BC and had a baby anyway, or they both used it and both of them had a baby. Don't make me go up-thread to quote that one, because I'm already cranky about this. |
You're corroborating my case, Medea. That is precisely what I have been trying to communicate to Indiana and others.
Elias was not irresponsible, nor was he attempting to shirk responsibility AT ALL, PERIOD, EVER. I have been actively rallying to help communicate this since that pernicious misappraisal first got suggested in this thread.
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Originally Posted by Medea33 I'm not sure why you're so stuck on absolving the OP of his responsibility for ensuring that fatherhood only happened to others, but raising the signal to noise ratio isn't obscuring his rather stunning lack of forethought. And getting a vasectomy isn't exactly like requesting elective brain surgery. Even in Canada. So, being persistent would have been enough to ensure no children in his future. But, hey, it doesn't look like he tried. |
Once more, I am not absolving the OP of anything, nor does he require it.
He has nothing for which to feel guilty.
He relied, like so very many other parents, upon birth control pills to ensure he didn't become a father, and that turned out not to be enough. Once he WAS already a father, he relied on the Nuvaring as birth control, and that wasn't enough again.
He accepted his responsibility in both cases, has been as effective and considerate a father as he could be, and has never done anything to warrant anyone's ire or disrespect PERIOD. He has never turned his back on his kids NOR his ex, and he has never failed to provide for them.
I feel the need to clarify this because somehow people have determined that his not wanting to spend time much time with kids he loves, but didn't genuinely want to have had in the first place, makes him somehow a bad person.
He is not. Part of the reason he contacted me was that he was carrying undeserved guilt sensations for acknowledging his lack of enthusiasm for spending time with his offspring.
His recognition that his situation wasn't a positive one, and that it was destroying his
libido (not in the sexual sense, in the 'joy of life' sense) justified his looking for alternatives.
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Originally Posted by Medea33 I actually sympathize with the OP. Joint custody, if you're not particularly interested in small children or feeling compentent as a parent, is onerous. You have sole responsibility for little alien critters for seven days in a row. Whoof. That's why my ex-husband and I moved rather rapidly from joint custody (it wasn't my idea) to two four day periods per month. That way, his chances of being a good parent were optimized and he didn't get worn out. |
Indeed. Elias wasn't ever offered any alternative to a 50/50 time split, and came to me for recommendations on how best to approach a warm-hearted and appropriate negotiation with his ex, with the aim of enhancing the quality-of-life for everyone involved: His kids, his ex, and himself.
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Originally Posted by Medea33 However, I think one of the underlying problems here was resentment and I'm curious as to whether you recommended counselling. |
Elias and his ex hold no obvious resentment toward one-another, nor is there any friction between he and his ex's new man? The only resentment which I believe needed to be addressed was Elias's resentment of the demands on his time which his shared custody assigned him, and that is exactly the crux of the problem I was trying to help reconcile.
By his offering his wife principle custody, and to augment her income sufficiently to pay for a live-in (or part-time) nanny, he should be both delivering the same quantity of discretionary time to his ex as she had had, and additionally giving her greater access to the kids (as she desired) without engendering any resentment in himself for the children. Then he can coordinate with her for visitation which would better suite everyone involved.
Johnny Soporno
Relationship Counselor