Merrick1 is a real friend.
I was upset to see Irisha get Moonshine's comment, but then I also realise often the non-answers contain answers. And all avenues need to be examined. In addition, sometimes that which seems to make no sense is exactly the thing to do. (Example: car skidding on ice? Turn in the direction of the skid). I'm confident that each and every post on this thread contains part of the answer.
In recovering from alcoholism, we are instructed to admit we are powerless over alcohol; not any easy task, but it isn't a request that we whip ourselves daily, jump off of cliffs, or stand on street corners shouting - it merely suggests we ADMIT powerlessness. (WHAT! Steer in the DIRECTION of the skid!?) While Personal Development people will shrink back from this, the fact is...it works. Countless centuries of alcoholism running uncured, and suddenly in the past 70 years, millions are recovering from this disease...which incidently, controlled MY mind for 30 years.
Admitting powerlessness is just the first step, there are 11 others (which actually have nothing to do directly with alcohol) in which we find ways to disassemble our thought patterns...patterns influenced and directed over many years. I've written a few in-depth essays about this and similar topics. The most important step is to contact our Higher Power...the God of YOUR understanding...and trust It will assist you.
Mr. G is NOT your higher power; if he were, you'd be ascending now. Instead, you are near paralysis. Even IF Mr. G is of your mind's own creating, he's still got an edge over you. This "surrender" (admitting powerlessness) is not a slave-chain to be put around your neck; it is realising you've exhausted all of your own means, and NEED the God of your understanding. Those of us who know realize it is only by such surrender we are set free.
Regardless of any comments that may discourage you, Irisha, you still have many friends out here, and we're staying by you, Hell or high water. In my darkest hours, this was done for me. It was amazing how others believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. I pass this along unconditionally.