God cannot be known through consciousness, not matter how conscious you think you are. We cannot know God fully in this life. We can only catch glimpses from time to time. Build a little bird-house in your soul. Keep it swept and clean every day and you never know, one day, you will find something nice there - a gift from God, to let you know he is there and he cares, something to just tidy you over, till you depart from this world.
I wish you would all stop worrying so much! It WILL be OK!
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