Well, since you ask, my parents came for the dinner party (roast chicken with tarragon and butter and some stuff I chucked in the sauce, viz. cream, mustard and some rum!) then we went out to a local pub where they have crooners singing to a professional band all night.
Next day, my mum decided to start talking about what was in the emails and I managed to clear a whole bunch of things with her. It was a long process and I don't really remember all that was said, though some was about some of the ways I had been 'treated,' some was about how she could never have told her mother about they way she felt that she herself had been brought up - and told that she added ten years to her mother's life - because she would have been 'upset her too much - my grandmother was an influential social worker. I'm sure she could have taken it. Some was some very interesting stuff on how she misremembered or conflated key moments in my life (my being thrown out a friend's house at 6am for being gay, my coming out to my mother on a ferry to France) and her reading some stuff into each of these whereas the reality was subtly different and she came across as either neutral or like she didn't know what was going on with me. She even denied having sent me to my room and denied I sat there crying, waiting for her to come up. That would never have happened, she said. Uhu. She told me that she had a 'temper on her,' and that it was lucky my sister had been sent to her room or she would have hit her. Interesting.
we briefly touched on the fact that she, herself, had choices about whether or not to overload herself in her B&B guests and the fact that she needed to care more for herself.
Although I would naturally try and express my pain about various things and leave the 'advice' aside, she wasn't really strong enough to take that. I think I did manage to point out the difference between blame and pain. I also managed to point out that she thought anger and pain were bad - and to be avoided and that made her positive - while I thought they were neutral and needed to be addressed. We got to a natural closure point and she said that she was glad that we coudl (basically) go 'back to normal.' Why, I said? I said why a couple of times more.
Pandamonium broke out! My dad and my boyfriend on the other sofa, gamely trying to put oil on the waters and talk about holiday photos, said: "hey fair play, play nice, your mohter this and that!" My mum said she felt 'cornered' if I just said: "why." And I replied, "but you don't understand that I don't want to go back to where we were before. I want to keep this line of communication open on this level, because this is where I am." We settled down again and I think she understood. Actually, I think I will ask her if she could send me an email. We ended very amicably and I actually jumped onto her lap and squashed her, saying, "mummy's not scared of me anymore!' which was quite nice, and I hadn't really behaved like a kid like that for ages.She says the 'air is cleared.' We will see.
It was certainly hard work - I won't disagree with that - but I think it was worth it. I felt like I'd won a race - actual lasting acheivement - I haven't felt that for a while - and felt very good for the rest of the weeekend. It's quite transgressive, I feel, saying what you should say to your therapist to your parents!
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