I am now at the difficult stage with my family where I am trying to gain independance and trust. While my treatment team believe me, its harder for my family to trust me.
I do lie, manipulate and hide things and point blank deny when caught red handed. I use these as tools to deal with my own fear and anxiety. I would much rather them get angry at me for lying than have them get angry and stop loving me because of a mistake I made. Lot of gremlins there that I need to work out.
So I am confronting those fears. When I got caught for taking cans of fruit from the fridge I admitted it. "Yes, that was me...."
And suprisingly they responded well but I felt extremely uncomfortable and exposed. I have been continuing to be honest and its feels unatural and dangerous.
I have been insisting that my whole treatment team actually speaks to each other directly rather than through me. This means that I cannot just manipulate everyone to keep myself safe. So there are lots of letters going back and forth.
I am currently negotiating another hospital stay with my new doctor and that is a very different experience. I have been open and honest, brought my parents along to be involved and made everyone talk to each other. I think this time I will have a better chance of success too. The lies just keep me trapped.
I am finding the lack of trust very frustrating because I feel like my past actions have become my identity to certain people. They will get really upset and say things they believe to be a permant truth because of my past actions. Its frustrating. I sometimes feel like giving and just doing the status quo but in the end I never do. I know that my ED is a false illusion.
I am really appreciating any ounce of trust that I am given and learning to respect other people. I am starting to realise just how aware people are and the transparency of my lies.