Originally Posted by Wade
I am going to list some of my feelings and things I do in my day to day life and then maybe you all can lead me into the direction of polarizing
Bought a motorbike today even though the money could have been used for more urgent things with my family.
Hate sharing my feelings and just lock up when my wife asks me why I'm mad
Feel that I am always right
Hold my anger inside and then explode
Have major troubles being blunt
If I don't get my way, I'm passed
Feel bad if I say "no" ..... Ex. If an employee asks for a raise
Never ask for help....so that I don't feel committed to helping others
What direction should I take? DW or LW
Can anyone help me get motivated?
Given the way you've described yourself? You're angry, insecure, childish--oh, hell, I'll just say it: dude, you're a dick.
On top of that, I think you're fishing for "Oh, you're so totally
a darkworker!" responses (though there are plenty of angry, insecure, childish people who become lightworkers, too). Nothing
you've listed here about yourself is a strength. These are all signposts pointing at your fear, resentment, and sense of powerlessness.
Polarization won't change any of that. It won't fix your raging case of Little Man Syndrome. At best, it will magnify your weaknesses to the point where your entire life blows up in your face and you're finally forced to deal with them.
Polarization doesn't give you power--it's about focusing the power you already have.
If you don't have an real personal power--if you're angry, petty, and insecure--you'll still be that way after polarizing. You'll either be a perpetually unsatisfied spoiled child who bullies others (darkworker), or a self-righteous whiner, complaining about how the world is evil and toxic and the sheeple just don't understand or appreciate all you're trying to do for them (lightworker).
So you can go ahead and polarize if you want--though IMO, not knowing which way to go, and asking Internet strangers for their opinions is a very good sign that you shouldn't
. But you would be far better served in the long run by working through all the self-defeating anger and powerlessness that owns you right now.