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Originally Posted by wystan  whilst I appreciate at least some of the responses I'm getting here - perhaps I am too stupid to hear what others are saying - I wonder if anyone responding actually knows what I am talking about. I don't really get the feeling that you know what it is like to have a mother who is so wrapped up in herself and bullying her husband into being present, that she is not there for her children. |
Hi Michael,
There are lots of people who lack experiences like this and so end up giving advice that seems to indicate that they don't understand, especially if they have predominantly positive family experiences. I also think that they don't understand.
I have had very difficult parents and not a good family life or upbringing. I don't have contact with my father anymore (since a year). My brother, who is very different from me, maintains contact with my father, but it seems to be falling apart (again). My brother tirelessly tries to discuss or debate or argue my dad's behavior with my dad, and I can tell you that for decades they have been going in circles. There was a 3-year period where my brother and my dad had no contact at all. A new period of silence between them may be ushering in.
Anyway, you should know that I am not a stranger to what you are trying to do with your mother, even if the behaviors and situations are not perfectly identical. There are two things:
1. As I have witnessed my brother's tireless efforts and arguments with my dad over the decades, I still marvel that he persists in trying to get my dad to see the error of his ways. (It's ironic to note that my brother and my dad are really alike too - though my brother lacks one extra very damaging (to others) behavior that my dad has.) I told my brother I don't know why he continues. They are like broken records. Consider that in your situation with your mother.
2. This is what I really want to say. Take a new perspective on your relationships. Read this blog entry by Steve and try it out with your mother. Maybe read some more about this approach.
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...relationships/
I very much like this, because it gives you something to do without the other person's accord. It gives you control. If you can learn how or understand how to do it, I think it would be so good to try it out. You could learn more about the principles behind it by reading and listening more to some things on this website.