Quote:
Originally Posted by wystan 
So I play nice, I get nice. BUt she's genuinely upset at all of this. Just I think (well, I know) that it is this kind of rage and pain that she should be feeling before she can take care of herself. I did it in half her years. Can't she?
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Certainly she can. If that's what she wants to do.
There is a belief that says people need to hear about their faults in order to recognize them and then change them. That may be true, once. And it may be true if the feedback is solicited. But my results (and apparently yours) show that is not always true when the advice is unsolicited or in perpetuity. (I suspect it's not even
almost true in those cases.) I would guess that your mom has a pretty good grip on your critical thoughts about her. Expressing them to her has not worked to get you what you want in your relationship. Try this different approach and see where it gets you.
If you want to have a pleasant (possibly wonderful) relationship with her, try this technique. It has worked wonders for me in relation to people I care deeply about but didn't see eye to eye with.
First, make a list of all the things you really love and value about your mom. Avoid words like "but" or "except", and only put the
good stuff on this list. It can be anything positive. Maybe she's a good cook. Or she has a great laugh. Or she's kind to animals. List every good thing you can think of.
Then, from this point forward, focus all of your attention on the things in this list,
and nothing else. If you catch yourself thinking a critical thought about her (and you very likely will) just redirect your mind to the list. Make a game of adding to your list when you see or talk to her. Notice when she does something on the list, and look for things to add to it. Feel free to compliment her frequently. Refrain from saying anything critical to her when you speak. Trust that this is not your job.
This will do two, very possibly three things. First, it will improve the sorts of reactions you get from her. (You said it yourself: "
...I play nice, I get nice.") Second, it will improve how
you feel with her, because you will be focusing all of your energies upon those things that you love. As time goes by, you will see less and less of the negative, and more of the positive. The third possible consequence of this exercise is a change in her behavior. This cannot be guaranteed because she can do what she wants. However, if there is a part of her that really wants to get better, bathing her in love and appreciation and encouragement is how you can best help her to attain that.
Oh, and you can use this technique on your dad as well!
