[wystan]

After a series of conversations with my mother, half of which were me telling her in a non-judgemental way why I grew up sad and am only just sorted out at age 30 and the other half were her blowing up in my face based on inferred 'belittlings' of her character, I have realised she is quite severely codependent.

This is not news - she is an untrained nurse who even lacks the self-respect to train! - and I have always called her a martyr. My dad is silent and distant and has professed to not having emotions and not wanting to have them.

But I have been through therapy, drink problems and now have found an answer in the form of meditation and mindfulness. And I'm not scared of my parents any more. I am wondering if anyone has ever had any success in dealing with this kind of issue with their parents, whether it's (on my part) codependent to try and control them and should be quashed, or had any other comments.

I want a real relationship with them that involves discussing things really and not just politeley, I want my mum to realise she's not happy and get happier and prepare for life when my dad dies, which might be in the next fifteen years. I want adults for parents. Is this my problem or theirs?

I should point out they have been through marriage guidance and then ceased therapy because they had 'had enough.' My mum part trained as a counsellor and now works for the Samaritans (a helpline for suicidal and depressive people) and yet regards this kind of chat as: "too deep," "psychobabble," and wants to know "why I we can't just love each other." Basically, it's a power struggle about her way of doing things (which is her controlling the family) and my way which is basically chaotic from her perspective. She has pulled some pretty alarming - almost comically so - blow up anger stuff on me - such as protecting me from the 'anger' of my father (oh wait, did he wake up when I wasn't watching?) and the 'shame' of not being able to tell her friends how I am 'belittling' her (after asking her not to assume that I would call my sister because I found it raised my hackles) because her friends (whom I don't particularly like, I should point out) think I am a nice person. I talked her down from this craziness (if you knew her, you'd gasp) but during that got accused of wanting not to know her, of her wanting to know if she shouldn't know me, of her saying that it's not surprising that she 'doesn't want anything to do with me.' and then calling me an alien.

And yet a text to her from a family gathering last night elicited response: "glad you are having happy time. always fond of x + y (attendees), luv m & d"

So I play nice, I get nice. BUt she's genuinely upset at all of this. Just I think (well, I know) that it is this kind of rage and pain that she should be feeling before she can take care of herself. I did it in half her years. Can't she?

Thanks

Michael