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butterflyeffect · 09-11-2010, 11:59 AM

Below is a poem I wrote in 2006 at my very sickest. I think it encompasses what its really like to have an Eating Disorder and reaffirms to me how far I have come in terms of recovery.

Won't somebody save me from myself?
Plagued by self hatred
Wrapped in fat and cellulite
Wanting to breakfree
But yet conforming
Needing to diet
Yet eating continuously
Finding friends, yet making enemies
Lost in a world of lies and deception
In love with one who doesn't feel the same
Trapped by my own torment

Losing any allies
In the fight against myself
Need a way out
Need to end it all
Underneath the happy mask
Like a game of charades
Except I don't want to play
I want to be freed from myself
Yet slowly drowning in a pool of hate

When everyone else sees a champion swimmer
Totally confused, labelled and misunderstood
In need of help, but there is none
Creating a superficial exterior
to hide the messed up interior

Grasping at any form of belonging
Trying all but truly beloning
Claiming to work hard, when I have done nothing
Fooling even myself at times
Lost touch with reality
As I twist the words of others
From positive intent
to nasty stabs in the back
Reading into everything
Lying compulsively

Surrounded by people
Desperate to belong
Yet still being alone
Enjoying my own company
But trying to be with others
It becomes you all against me
So I run further into myself
Can't do anything right
And if I did I could tell

Making up imaginery friends
Dreaming I'm in a movie
except its reality
Then I'm happy
but its not for long
I always long for
real people so I run

I try to do sport
to achieve by myself
Never in a team
A loner at heart
Who tries to be a groupie
But I'm not
Too far gone to be saved.
Just kill me.
So I can be free from myself.

09-11-2010, 11:59 AM	#171 (permalink)
butterflyeffect Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Sydney Australia Posts: 801	Poems Below is a poem I wrote in 2006 at my very sickest. I think it encompasses what its really like to have an Eating Disorder and reaffirms to me how far I have come in terms of recovery. Won't somebody save me from myself? Plagued by self hatred Wrapped in fat and cellulite Wanting to breakfree But yet conforming Needing to diet Yet eating continuously Finding friends, yet making enemies Lost in a world of lies and deception In love with one who doesn't feel the same Trapped by my own torment Losing any allies In the fight against myself Need a way out Need to end it all Underneath the happy mask Like a game of charades Except I don't want to play I want to be freed from myself Yet slowly drowning in a pool of hate When everyone else sees a champion swimmer Totally confused, labelled and misunderstood In need of help, but there is none Creating a superficial exterior to hide the messed up interior Grasping at any form of belonging Trying all but truly beloning Claiming to work hard, when I have done nothing Fooling even myself at times Lost touch with reality As I twist the words of others From positive intent to nasty stabs in the back Reading into everything Lying compulsively Surrounded by people Desperate to belong Yet still being alone Enjoying my own company But trying to be with others It becomes you all against me So I run further into myself Can't do anything right And if I did I could tell Making up imaginery friends Dreaming I'm in a movie except its reality Then I'm happy but its not for long I always long for real people so I run I try to do sport to achieve by myself Never in a team A loner at heart Who tries to be a groupie But I'm not Too far gone to be saved. Just kill me. So I can be free from myself.