[butterflyeffect]

I am now at the point where I can recognise what needs that I have that I'm not currently meeting. I can see the goals that I want to achieve and I can see what I need to do in order to achieve the goals and meet my needs.

But I won't allow myself to do it. I feel this huge internal resistance and fear about moving forward. Its hard to explain but I just feel this enormous sensation that I'm not allowed.

To get better from my ED I need to:
- Exersize daily
- Attend Day program and therapy
- Follow my meal plan
- Stop hurting my body

I recognise that I need to do all of the above things but I feel this huge resistance to doing it. I want to lose weight and be healthy but I am blocking it. I quite deliberatley hurting myself.

Underlying Gremlins that have come up are:

You deserve to be fat. You don't deserve to be thin.

Your not allowed to lose weight.

Its your fault your fat.

Your not allowed to see your friends. Your not allowed to have friends. People aren't allowed to like you.
Your not allowed to be successful.
Everybody hates you.
There is no choice. You have to eat yourself to death.

Most of all: You deserve this.

NB. Side point, but the thoughts are always framed in the 3rd person. Always.

BUT I don't want to do this anymore. I can see and feel and accept the praise and compliments that people give me. I can touch it and its real. I percieve the praise as real, as true. I want to be able to share my feelings with other people and not feel like a burden. (Online feels different). I still take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings, I am not seeking an outside party to fix then I just don't want to feel so alone.

I have spoken to people about standing in my own way and the response is always proceed anyway. I know logically I should but right now I just feel paralysed from taking action.

So I am accepting where Im at and trying to take little steps forward so that I can progress but not traumatise myself in the process. As mentioned previously, I am using my ED instead of meeting my social need to see my friends and be included. So I am going to get in contact with my friends instead of isolating myself and organise to see them.